07/08/2010

The Expendables


It's clear that The Expendables was an excuse for Sly to get all of his ole' buddies together to bring back a 80s style action film that all men now aged 25 to 40 grew up with. Men in film have changed quite a bit so the thought of watching a movie with big blokes with big necks carry big guns is something to get excited about. No hugging, no metrosexuals, no learning anything; just men being men and blowing some shit up.

However, this does not mean that The Expendables is any good. The press screening was a 9pm kick off and 2 minutes in it was clear why they did this. Along with a heard of male friends, I had spent the previous hour in the pub and obviously everyone else did too. Mad, excitable whooping went on from said men who were clearly amped to see names like 'Dolph Lundgren' back on the big screen. The whole film reeks of a straight-to-DVD bargain bin and if it weren't for Sly that's exactly where it would've ended up. The CGI is laughably terrible, the script (if you can call it that) is as badly written as you'd expect and entire sequences are created just to climax with a big fight. That includes Jet Li being short and The Stath having a girlfriend just so he can beat up some neighbourhood thugs for touching her.

So, with all the things that are horrendously wrong with this film, why did I enjoy it so much? Why did I have a smile on my face the ENTIRE way through? Why did I laugh more during its 90min running time than everything else I've seen in the cinema this year combined? And why the fuck did I whoop when The Stath stabbed a whole bunch of bastards and when the dude from Everybody Hates Chris killed everyone in sight with the biggest, loudest gun known to man?

The Expendables is shit. Complete and utter shit but if you get together with some mates, down some pints beforehand and generally be up for it, you'll have so much fun. And hopefully, that's what Sly was going for.

P.S. The scene with The Governator, Sly and The Willis was awesome even if they overdid it with Arnie walking into a church like a fucking modern day messiah.

P.P.S Where the fuck is JCVD?