13/01/2011

Brace Yourself




I don't know about you, but when I woke up this morning I was really hoping that we'd get another WWF (I refuse to call it WWE) wrestler looking to become a movie star. There really aren't enough talentless meat heads clogging up the world of cine so I welcome Hunter Hearst Helmsley aka Triple H aka Jean-Paul Levesque aka someone you've probably never heard of if you know nowt about wrestling to the screen.

Confession Time: I used to be obsessed with wrestling. For a few years in my teens I watched every show, bought every t-shirt and suffered through my brother practising every move on my poor, battered body. It's authenticity is irrelevant as it's panto with spandex and at it's peak, it was a bloody good laugh. Having said that, I'm not too keen on watching them in films as it's usually a disastrous affair. The Chaperone looks like you standard Mr Nanny/Kindergarten Cop/Tooth Fairy like rubbish but who knows, maybe H3 will go on to better things like this:

Star In A Cult Film


John Carpenter's They Live is a black comedy/Sci-Fi in which the ruling classes are actually aliens controlling the minds of the masses, and the only way to beat them is to wear some cool shades yo. Why Carpenter chose to have the story revolve around a drifter played by Rowdy Roddy Piper is anyone's guess. Maybe they needed his trademark Scottish rage? If so they should've looked elsewhere as Piper is from Canada. Not sure what he's done since but according to this damning report, he's some sort of pervert.

Tackle The Direct-To-DVD Market


This is the most popular option for wrestlers who fancy being on screen and Stone Cold has been very successful with it. Yeah, yeah, he was in The Longest Yard and The Expendables but they don't got shit on this. 

Guest Star In A Famous Sequel Before Starring In Rubbish


Apparently Sly wasn't happy with just fighting 80s icon Mr. T. No, he also had to have a bloody good go on another one in the shape of the horribly tanned Hulk Hogan. Still Hulk did some alright things including cameos in Gremlins 2: The New Batch and a starring role in the amazingly named 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

Become A (Sorta) Legitimate Actor


I don't know how he managed it but Dwayne Johnson has somehow done alright in films. Should be no surprise really, he was always incredibly charismatic but he's transferred that to films with a shocking amount of ease. He's already achieved the trifecta of kids films (The Tooth Fairy), no brain action flicks (Walking Tall) and mainstream comedy (The Other Guys) so who knows what's next? Serves me and everyone else on the planet right when we laughed haughtily at the announcement of his retirement from wrestling. Candyasses.

Star In A Rob Reiner Film, Be Lovely, Always Be Remembered


Andre The Giant. The loveliest of all lovely wrestlers may have made his debut in The Six Million Dollar Man and made a mark alongside Arnie in Conan The Destroyer but nothing tops his performance as Fezzik in The Princess Bride. Nothing special about the character mind, he's just lovely. Did I mention that he was lovely?

So there you have it HHH, make your choice, but do it quickly because wrestlers are dropping like flies these days.