18/02/2011

Do You Belieb?

Because I'll do anything for my art and am clearly a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal, I agreed to attend the Sky sponsored, European premiere of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (in 3D!!!1!) way out in the sticks at The O2. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the Canadian one or was particularly interested to see how he went from normal boy to teen messiah capable of turning young girls (and some women devoid of shame) into a blubbering mess, but since I'm a serious critic, I must watch all film releases with an open mind. Yeah, lets go with that.

Approaching The O2 we were greeted by an enormous queue and the spine-tingling screeches of girls yet to discover the joy of alcohol.

You probably can't tell but a large portion of the people who attended were wearing purple because "a splash" is what the dress code specified. Basically, it was just like a child's birthday party but with less pass the parcel and more terrifying security. There was purple everywhere including the swirling carpet...

but the insane purply-ness of it all paled in comparison to the FLIPPIN' MENTAL SCREAMS OMITTED FROM THESE CHILDREN:

Yeah, they look all innocent and stuff but they're actually evil creatures capable of ripping the flesh from the bones of anyone who dare insult their king. Just ask Esperanza Spalding.

LOOK AT THEIR EYES!!!!!!!!!

Just when I thought my fragile ears couldn't take anymore, the "man" himself showed up and caused a near riot as everyone tried to get a shot of him. He's in the picture below but I won't tell you where. Think of it as your own personal game of Where's Wally.

After being screamed at escorted down the carpet, we came across several cardboard cutouts that several girls went on to devour and couldn't help but notice everything was cornered off meaning I wouldn't be eating for some time.


Don't worry, the glowing Nandos sign cheered me right up. 


The cinema itself was smaller than I thought but who cares when you get free popcorn and limited edition purple 3D glasses complete with the film title on the arms? I may pay off some debts by selling it on eBay.

For the next 30 minutes we were treated to his purple carpet arrival/interviews but things soon got interesting when they announced he would be introducing the film. It was at this point I became deaf. The staff lined up and Sky's Craig Stevens gave a small intro when a tiny, bow tied gent came scuttling through the crowd. After one girl managed to not get tasered for pulling his arm, Bieber attempted a British accent, asked questions, then got all the girls to shut up before asking them to scream. Thanks for that. When he left it was terrifying how fast hordes of girls pelted across the room to catch a glimpse and one to my left started palpitating before shouting "He looked at me! HE LOOKED AT ME!!!!!!!!!". Oh to be a teenage girl again.

The film itself was actually quite enjoyable. It's a perfectly structured concert movie with several examples all involved were in on the joke of his overnight stardom (not to mention that hair). A montage of all his fans mental behaviour set to Edvard Grieg's 'In The Hall of The Mountain King' was one of the highlights simply because it's the closest this generation will get to Beatlemania. One girl dragged down concert equipment trying to get on the stage while others caused such problems it made headline news and riot police had to be called. 

It's far too long and after the thoroughly fun first hour it turns into the kind of saccharine bullshit one expects from a film aimed at kids but if it's mere existence is to satisfy fans and infect a few haters with Bieberfever, it succeeds on all fronts. 

Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never The Family Show Special airs on Sky Movies Family/HD on Sunday 27th February at 8.55am