03/03/2011

Break Out The Baileys, It's My Ruddy First Birthday!


Exactly 365 days ago I realised I was so utterly bored with my life that I'd start one of those bloggy things and unbelievably, it not only still exists but people actually read it. Like, regularly...by choice...with no payment of any kind...it's a crazy old world, eh? What better way to celebrate this milestone than by recounting, month by month all the posts that have made this blog so popular with film dicks around the world and the third best blog run by one person according the Sky Movies.com. It all began in March 2010...

March


Whenever I'm asked to give people blogging tips the first thing I usually say is to make it stand out. Clearly, at the beginning I had no idea what I was doing nor how to make it stand out so it was essentially my own personal diary filled with crap that was of interest to no one. Still, I proved I could take pictures of crap posters on buses (see above), link to funny stories AND random shit people passed on through Twitter. All greatness starts off a bit rough, right? RIGHT?!

April

Things got a little bit better in April as my inane ramblings started to take shape. Instead of reviewing the same huge blockbuster as everyone else, I decided to report on what I heard in the queue for sweets at the Iron Man 2 screening and everyone got their first taste of me swearing at a shit film poster. Oh yeah, I also ripped off the Little White Lies rating system because I couldn't be bothered to review Whip It! properly. Inane ramblings, swearing, poster rants and straight up laziness? What a terrifying sign of things to come.

May


Twas a bit of a quiet month in May (everyone was busy celebrating my birthday, OBVIOUSLY) so that gave me plenty of time to write a report of the fraking mentile SATC2 screening and make letter based LOLs aimed at Amanda Seyfried's terrifying thirst for rubbish. Everyone loves letter based LOLs, especially Ultra Culture.

June


Because I love watching 22 overpaid twats run around kicking a ball as much as I love watching overpaid people run around in front of a camera pretending to be someone else, the World Cup distracted me slightly. However, I did still find time to have an expletive fuelled rant at 4.3.2.1, report from my first time at EIFF, attend the second Ultra Culture Cinema event and profess my unwavering and undying love for Tom Cruise.

July


Things really got hot in July (man, I'm good) with me covering several corners of my sick mind. I found yet another way of reviewing films, created one of my first patented lists, and Sam Rockwell's moves made an appearance on THE VERY SAME DAY as The Cage. Elsewhere I drew inspiration for blog posts from what my friend's were up to and showed everyone that film critics can be complete cunts. Who knew? Also, the first indication of my love for Joseph Gordon-Levitt was published but we can't talk about that because it's currently in the hands of the authorities.

August


YEAH CRANK! I fucking love Crank. August marked the first (and only?) time I posted communications with my lovely followers after I asked the non-spammers what their thoughts were on The Radio Times family film poll and weirdly, I'm now sexual partners very good friends with most of the people who responded. It's also worth noting that I suffered through some awful films on one Saturday, made an awful joke, talked about an absolutely not at all awful soundtrack and had an awfully good giggle at Terry Crews.

September


New season, new start, new feature; yes, September marks the beginning of my only regular feature, The Forgotten Gem in which I natter about films that never seem to get the credit they deserve. On top of that life altering nugget, I highlighted Jason Bourne's knack for killing bitches with random household appliances (TRUE FACT: I'm watching The Bourne Ultimatum as I write this), Darth Vader's previously unknown dancing ability was showcased and I perved over Chris Evans. This month also proved that a complete lack of inspiration can sometimes work for you as my list of films that look a bit crap is still one of the most popular things I've ever posted.   

October


Thanks to that small festival held in London, my time was rather monopolised in October but that didn't stop me from posting some amazing shit (see above). I thought of some better names for Wall Street 2, explained why Aaron Seltzer & Jason Freidberg should fuck off, chatted about the new style BBC Film Programme and topped the month off with a bloody good rant about some pricks who ruined my screening of Inside Job. I hate people.

November


I don't know about you, but I think all months should start with an amazing premiere and after party. Jus' sayin' is all. It was hard for November to top that but I recovered from the free bar just in time to write about crap movie songs, think of alternative titles for Uncle Boonme: Dear God I'm So Bored and had a bloody good go on The Disney 50. Oh yeah, Daniel Craig's arse also made an appearance. You're so welcome.

December


Don't we all? Crimbo and end of year lists dominated proceedings but hey, at least we got some classic crazy from The Cage. Oh yeah, I did a thing on Wittertainment's Code of Conduct...which kicked off an amazing thing to happen later.

January


For all those people who've dreamed of reading a blog written by a person who likes to list films featuring wrestlers and amazing films that became shit TV shows really saw God when they found me. Oh yeah they did. A 'big thing' happened last month when I was honoured to be nominated by Sky Movies.com for a Blog of the Year award. I didn't win, obviously, but I did find some new readers and get a snazzy pic to put on the right of my page after I stole it from fellow loser, The Incredible Suit. I could go on about Charlie's Angels, the Oscars and Blogalongabond but I won't because they pale in comparison to this. See? This blog changes things.

February


I SAW JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also got a lovely credit (and a fuck load of hits) from Empire Magazine after they STOLE wrote a similar thing to me. You guise...

And that just about brings us up to date. I don't want to turn into a drunk and overemotional aunt at a wedding but it's a little overwhelming to have people actually choose to read this blog when there are so many better ones out there and for that, I thank you. Here's to another Baileys drinking, Nic Cage night attending, JGL/Chris Evans/Andrew Garfield obsessing, crap poster ranting, unnecessary swearing, joke making, screening attending, podcast recording, late night tweeting and shameless whoring 365 days!