Boring, Boring, Pirates

There is no franchise which represents everything that is wrong with modern movie making quite like the Pirates series. Despite making a fuckload of cash and At World's (Dear God, when will it) End still being the most expensive film ever made, everyone with half a braincell can see they're complete rubbish. It's hard for a sequel to better the original but in this case, Disney and their roll call of producers don't even bother, systematically churning out rubbish and laughing in the face of people who pay money to see it, but hey, at least they finally got rid of the two biggest problems from the first three instalments:

Hooray! On Stranger Tides follows Captain Jack (Depp) and peg legged Barbossa (Rush) on a quest to find the fountain of youth but would you Adam and Eve it? One of Jack's many old flames Angelica (Cruz) and her father Blackbeard (McShane) are after it too. You would think that I'd follow that brief synopsis with 'and hilarity ensues' but it doesn't. There's no hilarity, no entertainment, no charm and nothing else you'd expect from a blockbuster family movie and even the good ideas are so utterly cocked you're left wondering how the hell this tedious film was even made.

And the length, good grief the length. How ironic that the press screening took place on my birthday because not only did I feel like a year had gone by, I must've looked like Donovan after he drank from the wrong gilded cup by the time it finally ended. 141 minutes for a film of this nature is too long. TOO LONG! I have nothing against films that make your arse feel like cement but at least keep me interested. It's so bloated entire scenes, plot strands and characters could've and should've been cut but apparently, they couldn't afford an editor and as a result, I felt like my soul was being sucked through my 3D glasses. And how the hell can a film featuring Johnny Depp swinging from a chandelier be so fucking dull? Just. So. Boring. At one point I went to the ladies room and I didn't even loo, I just fancied a stroll to pass the time.

The worst thing is that despite the massive problems there is a really good and really fun 100 minute film lurking around in there, somewhere. A sequence in which a boat is attacked by some rather vicious mermaids was so perfect I found myself leaning forward, it were brilliant, but just as you were riding the wave of euphoria it got all boring again. So much endless exposition that ultimately went nowhere had me biting my tongue to stop from screaming 'JUST FUCKING GET ON WITH IT!'

It's just as rubbish as the other sequels and Johnny Depp has truly sold out with this one. The Rum Diary better be fucking good, mate.