15/07/2011

BlogalongaBond: Diamonds Are Forever (1971)


Some of you may have noticed that June came and went without a sign of Bond's sixth big screen outing, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and I'll tell you why: I forgot. Yes, poor George Lazenby can't even command my attention for two hours in an entire month and that's something he's going to have to live with. I didn't want to make the same mistake in two consecutive months (I may "forget" during the later Brosnan years) so as soon as July rolled around, I watched Sean Connery's return to the role that made him famous and quickly wanted to slit my own wrists. Why? Read on.

Sean Connery Clearly Couldn't Give A Fuck


Shortly after You Only Live Twice was released, Connery announced that it was to be his final performance as Bond. I'm unaware of his reasoning but after Lazenby pissed off everyone in sight by wrongly assuming he was entitled to the same fan fare as the man he replaced, Connery was talked into returning for $1.2 million the acting and stuff. Well if no-one was aware of how little he cared about his character, the film and everyone that wasn't a giant stack of cash you can blatantly see he's dead behind the eyes as he delivers the lines with all the gusto of a drugged child actor. It's embarrassing, he didn't even bother to go for a jog or two and get his now middle aged backside into shape coz, y'know, he's supposed to be the man every woman wants and every man wants to be. Well, no-one wants to be sad, old, fat arsed Connery in this sorry state. 

More Boring Bond Girls


Obviously the purpose of the Bond girl is to be the totty on 007's arm and not much else but it helps to give the actress something to work with. Perhaps I've been spoiled by the likes of crazy Grace Jones and Famke Janssen and feisty Eva Green and Carey Lowell and expect too much from the earlier instalments but even Tiffany Case's vast array of bikinis and dodgy wigs couldn't entertain me. Oh well, at least Plenty O'Toole gives you two things to remember her by:
I MEAN HER BREASTS

What's Going On Here?


I've been staring at this picture for 4 hours and I still have no idea what's happening with that barnet. Answers on a postcard please.

The Return Of BASSEY!


The hiring of director Guy Hamilton was not the only indication that the producers were keen to replicate the success of Goldfinger, no, they also called on Wales finest diva (shut up, Catherine Zeta-Jones) for the second time to sing the theme song. Of course it doesn't reach the heady heights of Goldfinger but it's always fun to hear Miz Bassey wring every note dry and picture her flailing her arms about with reckless abandon. And since the live performance I posted last time went over so well, below is her wringing every note dry and flailing her arms about while singing 'Diamonds Are Forever'. I like to think that her red wig was a quiet tribute to Tiffany Case.


Next Month 

Live And Let Die; Roger Moore, Paul McCartney and lots of casual racism.