05/09/2011

Checklist: Columbiana


  1. The writers of Taken and an underweight actress.
  2. One sun-drenched free running scene ala Casino Royale.
  3. A supposedly sexy scene involving said underweight actress in a catsuit like in Entrapment.
  4. Angelina Jolie was too expensive but still include lots of guns and pouting.
  5. Endless shots of actress in her pants, one involving a slow dance and suggestive sucking on a lollipop.
  6. Famous shots from famous action films including Die Hard and The Bourne Supremacy.
  7. A bland love interest.
  8. A fat friend for "comic" relief.
  9. An agent looking to help the wanted woman. Y'know, like in Thelma & Louise and Set It Off?
  10. Have the quickly edited penultimate fight scene take place in a bathroom and have her fight her opponent off with a towel because the director has clearly seen The Bourne Ultimatum.
  11. Steal the end from the aforementioned 90s flick Set It Off.
There, I just saved you 105 minutes and some cash.