09/01/2012

Five Movie Star Perfume Ads That Need To Die In A Horrible Fire


How many times have you been quietly sitting through an obligatory ad break and found yourself enraged by a Hollywood starlet talking nonsense and wearing an outfit worth more than your mortgage while trying to sell you an overpriced fragrance probably derived from old elephant piss? If you're anything like me, that answer would be EVERY DAMN DAY, so allow me to give you a guided tour through some of the more offensive movie star-endorsed perfume ads of recent years.

Nicole Kidman for Chanel - No. 5


Not even the mega-hot presence of Paulo from Lost can make this painfully indulgent 3-minute "film" from the glittery mind of Baz Luhrmann bearable. Nicole Kidman's ridiculous facial expressions and declarations of love for the medium of dance aside, the worst thing about this advert is that it cost $42 million dollars to make; $12 million of which went to Kidman. Fucking hell. 

Keira Knightley for Chanel - Coco Mademoiselle


The only thing women find more irritating then Keira Knightley is Joss Stone, so bravo once again to the head honchos at Chanel for green lighting this vomit-inducing crapfest.

Charlize Theron for Dior - J'Adore (2010)


So I'm supposed to fork out upwards of £50 just because Charlize Theron took her kit off, destroyed a perfectly good necklace and spoke with a stupid French accent? D'you know what I can get in Hennes for £50?

Scarlett Johansson for Dolce & Gabbana - The One


D&G only hired Scarlett Johansson for her (supposed) resemblance to Marilyn Monroe and after a few years of bleeding that notion dry they obviously have no intention of letting up. Sure she looks pretty, but it's hard to appreciate a fine eyeliner flick like that when she's smugly nattering on about love and shit. You're not looking for love, you're looking for the enormous cheque they wrote out to you for starring in this tosh. 

Charlize Theron for Dior - J'Adore (2011)


Talk about saving the worst for last. Taking everything that was awful about the previous year's ad and multiplying it, Dior had the damn audacity to use three dead Hollywood icons (Marlene Dietrich is in the long version) to hawk their overpriced scent. But that's fine, right? I mean, Grace Kelly and Marilyn Monroe are no longer with us it's totally OK for corporate arseholes to use their image and legacy to promote something they probably would've steered clear of. We all know Marilyn was a loyal Chanel customer, Dior people! Why didn't you throw Givenchy fan Audrey Hepburn in for good measure? And why does Charlize look so angry? She's walking right towards us with the epic angry face of a woman who hasn't consumed fried food in years. Then again, she does prefer apples.

And here's one I actually like:


See? I'm not totally impossible to please.