John Carter

Google images certainly knows how to bring the LOLs. But srsly...

For reasons that are unbeknownst to me, Disney have banked $250 million on a first-time live-action director, a 100-year old story and barely recognisable lead actors you'd only know if you've seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine and didn't erase it from your brain because it's unbelievably crap. (In fairness, Taylor "I'm prettier than you are" Kitsch's portrayal of Gambit was the only good thing about that whole film.) So it's no surprise that disappointed mumbles about its crapness started filtering through a month or so ago that have left Disney execs wondering if John Carter is going to be this year's Mars Needs Moms. Everyone has been quick to stick the boot in but almost a week after I crammed into a screening room better suited to a French drama than a 3D blockbuster, I still have absolutely no idea what I think of it. In fact, it may be the weirdest film I've seen in a while; not shitbags, not OK, just odd.

The simple story (guy gets transported to outer space, falls in love, fights battle etc) is swathed in CGI and at most points it looks good, but everything about it is so oddly ancient and seemingly ripped from other films it never finds its own way. That may be unfair to the source material considering that said material has influenced all the movies JC apparently rips but hey, that's not our problem, it's Andrew Stanton's.

Alas, that is not the only problem with this film but I'm going to ignore them all to focus on just one:

Lynn Collins is awful. I mean really, really, awful.

The script may be mind-boggingly shit but she does bugger all with it and I swear, during her first scene (after I tried to figure out why a warrior princess of Mars is a professor of helium, or something) I thought acting that ridiculous would be better suited to the most amazing American soap opera of the 90s, Sunset Beach. Wait, I'm talking crazy, she's not good enough for that level of art.

I genuinely don't think John Carter is a disaster of Sex and the City 2-like proportions (NEVA 4GET) but in a year that will bring an end to a so far flawless trilogy, a mega-hyped superhero gang-bang and Andrew Garfield in spandex, JC really doesn't stand a fucking chance.