Battleship, brought to you by Subway - Eat Fresh

Cynical as it may be, movies adapted from popular board games are going to become as ubiquitous as comic book adaptations and there's just nothing we can do about it. But since there's only one scene that so much as references the game within the offensively bloated 131 minute running time, it's still unknown why they even bothered since this has more to do with Independence Day and Transformers than a board game I've never played in my life because I wasn't born in the 60s. Still, who cares right? The aforementioned films that acted as a clear influence for this $200 million blockbuster were fun and relatively easy to watch so who says that this won't do the same? Me, actually. 

As a severe hater of snobby critics who guffaw at each crappy line from atop of their high horse, I quite enjoy the odd rubbish blockbuster simply because I don't expect much from it but there's only so much I can excuse. The structure gets increasingly muddled as it plunders on and that isn't helped by zero plotting and embarrassingly thin characters. The initial fun hour - featuring Liam Neeson's disappearance, endless slo-mo and rent-a-rack Brooklyn Decker as a physical therapist - teeters on the brink of crap-dom thanks to the unnecessary grid scene that destroys the momentum and it just gets worse from there; barmy lines, heavy-handed flag-waving and a bizarre appearance of what looks like America's version of Dad's Army had me wondering if Peter Berg was knowingly making it as silly as possible. Poor Taylor Kitsch, he just can't catch a break.
It seems like Battleship is being defended simply because its crapness is mildly enjoyable but if that's what you're into, you're better off saving your money and catching it on ITV4 in a few years when you're drunk enough to appreciate a film that muffles every expletive with an explosion.