09/05/2012

BlogalongaBond: GoldenEye (1995)

 
Thanks to some buggery legal disputes which delayed production on Timothy Dalton's contracted third outing as Bond, audiences had to wait six years to get some more from cinema's favourite misogynist. Dalton grew tired of the constant legal squabbles and quit the role in 1994 which the left the door open for Pierce Brosnan, who would've taken over from Roger Moore were it not for his Remington Steele contract. And thank God for that, because as much as I adore The Dalton it's been a long time (i.e. never) since we've had a Bond with a decent head (and chest) of hair so be thankful Brosnan came along and brought his luscious mane with him.
Unfortunately the commercial failure of Licence to Kill meant 5 steps back for Bond as Brosnan is essentially a younger, fitter Roger Moore with lines just as painful and a talent for dodging bullets as well as run-by fruitings. But, what GoldenEye makes up for its lack of grit with a plethora of feisty birds.

Feisty bird No.1
Name: Xenia Onatopp
Played by: Famke Janssen
Purpose: Alec Trevelyan's (Sean Bean) sadomasochistic henchwoman who enjoys torturing people between her mighty thighs.
Best Bit: Ahem.
Worst Bit: Her hideous 90s wardrobe and kohl eyeliner that looks like it was drawn on by a four-year old with a Crayon.

Feisty bird No.2
Name: M
Played by: Dame Judi Dench
Purpose: Being head of MI6 and having a bit of a moan.
Best bit:

M: You don't like me, Bond. You don't like my methods. You think I'm an accountant, a bean counter more interested in my numbers than your instincts.
James Bond: The thought had occurred to me.
M: Good, because I think you're a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War, whose boyish charms, though wasted on me, obviously appealed to that young woman I sent out to evaluate you.
James Bond: Point taken.

Worst bit: That lip liner. Who did the make-up for this fucking thing?

Feisty Bird No.3
Name: Natalya Simonova
Played by: Izabella Scorupco
Purpose: The sole survivor of the GoldenEye attack, skilled programmer and, of course, the tits.
Best bit: The impressive backhand she plants on Boris. I always have time for a woman who can backhand a man off his feet.
Worst bit: Doing the obvious (trans: Bond) after the train explodes. If only she knew where that penis has been.

Their role is obvious, but it's just nice to have a few females who can give as good as they get. Of course it would be remiss of me to go without mentioning the last great Bond theme song sung by the great Tina Turner. Written especially for her by Bono and The Edge, it's a sleek number that wouldn't be out of place among Dame Bassey's contributions, and frankly, I'm a fan of anything which prompts Tina to dig out her favourite 'What's Love Got to Do with It' wig (with a few added extras), hoick her tits up to Canada and wear a silver gown fit for Chandler's drag queen father. It's all good.


The scariest thing about partaking in BloglongaBond is discovering that all the favourite Bond films of my youth are actually a bit shit, and while Licence to Kill passed the test, Goldeneye does not. It was the first of only two Bond films I've seen in the cinema and while my 10-year old self thought it was perfection, my older self certainly doesn't even if it is the best of the Bronhon Bonds. But if you've seen Die Another Day, you'll know that's faint praise.

Next Month: Tomorrow Never Dies