22/08/2012

BlogalongaBond: Die Another Day (2002)

From the moment a CGI bullet comes barrelling at us, the powerless audience, it's quite clear that this is going to be a disaster of Moonraker-like proportions. As the 20th instalment in the 40-year old (at the time) franchise they obviously wanted to pay homage to previous films, but since this is a Bond film we're talking about the references have all the subtlety of a computer-generated Halle Berry falling backwards off a cliff. The weird thing about Die Another Day is that it's crapness is so well documented that once you actually watch it it's not as terrible as you were expecting. Yes, every shit pun has the ability to push the bile in your gut upwards and I still can't quite get down with Madonna's jacked-up themesong but most of the time I just felt sorry for everyone involved.

Poor Pierce skulks about trying to ignore the fact that despite being the star he's been upstaged by an invisible car and a Korean-American model with diamonds in his face (Question: Why didn't they take them out?). The same can't be said for Toby Stephens and Halle Berry who are so overwhelmingly awful you wonder why director Lee Tamahori didn't direct them to be less, y'know, shit.
Since she spends approximately 93% of her screen time in a bikini, in leather or on top of Bond it's so obvious why Berry was cast they might as well have called her 'Black-Chick McTits'. Like many disillusioned females before her who ended up acting alongside Brosnan's manly rug, Berry somehow convinced herself that she was the female Laurence Olivier. According to her, Jinx is "fashion-forward modern and the next step in the evolution of women in the Bond movies."
Oh Halle, you are a silly cow.

Going through all the problems with Die Another Day is, like the film, a fucking waste of time so I'm going to cop out and not bother. Instead, I'm going to leave you with this quote from Roger Moore; a man who knows a thing or two about shit Bond films.

"I thought it just went too far — and that’s from me, the first Bond in space! Invisible cars and dodgy CGI footage? Bitch*, please!"
*I added that.

Next Month: Casino Royale