12/02/2013

5 Reasons To Be Worried About Die Hard 5

The release of a new Die Hard film is only a few days away and while I've booked my ticket, ironed my vest and giggled at Bruce Willis on The One Show, there's still an overwhelming sense of dread looming in my mind. Everyone knows there's no point trying to top the first and third instalments because they are, in short, fucking boss, but there are some things that lead me to believe A Good Day To Die Hard will be shit, and here they are:

1) The press screening is one day before the release
Apart from the mega-secret screenings and the premiere, the only chance most critics will get to see Bruce Willis jump out of windows and shit is at the multimedia on February 13th, a few hours before it's released. Along with a pouring booze down our necks (alcohol = more enjoyment = nicer reviews of a shit film), late press screenings practically guarantee that the company behind the release aren't feeling very confident and want bad reviews to filter through as late as possible so eager cinemagoers aren't deterred.

2) It features female nudity
The beauty of the Die Hard series and other action films of that era is that they never felt the need to fill quiet bits with tits because action films are for boys and boys love tits. So imagine my annoyance when the first teasers hit and we were greeted with some bird unzipping her leather garms in what appears to be an empty parking lot. Couldn't she have arrived in the outfit she intended to wear or got changed in the ladies' room? Honestly, I expect more realism from a film that features a 57-year-old man thwarting terrorists and driving a car on top of other cars.

3) This one is about the son no one cares about
 
The above image is all I have to say about this.

4) Even Bruce Willis seems over it
One of the great things about Looper was seeing Bruce actually portray a character while running around shooting bitches, and A Good Day to Die Hard just feels like a step back. He doesn't hide his boredom with playing the vested one very well but I do love how he slated the title moments before practically confirming a sixth instalment. You deserve better, Brucie.

5) It's a 12A

 That means no blood, no real action and, most importantly, no yippee ki-yay motherfuckery. No.