Broken City

Before getting hammered on one glass of red wine and rambling about random shit to the astonishment of everyone, Mark Wahlberg brought the Graham Norton Show to the next level of awkward when he decided to reveal that he only took the starring role in his new film because Michael Fassbender, who was also sitting on that weird red sofa, turned it down. OH DEAR. The witty Irish host soon turned things around with an appropriately timed quip but unfortunately he wasn't brave enough to admit that his fellow countryman had dodged a bloody bullet by saying no to this toothless political thriller.

In case the title didn't give it away, Broken City is full of dodgy politicians doing dodgy shit and the ringleader is Russell Crowe and his distractingly tanned face. Crowe plays the Mayor of New York who takes a break from an impending election to hire a disgraced former cop to spy on his wife and capture evidence of her infidelity. Apart from Crowe's baffling animal metaphors and scratchy American accent there's really nothing going on in Broken City because it's all so typical and boring. Politicians are corrupt. Yeah, and? In the end I was forced to entertain myself by trying to figure out what the hell Catherine Zeta-Jones has done to her face. 43? Fuck off.
When did they start replacing botox with cement?

The second most hilarious part of Mark Wahlberg's appearance on BBC1's talk show was when he tried to compare this ineffective and pointless film to classics such as Chinatown, The French Connection and All the President's Men. Red wine makes you delusional, kids.