12/06/2013

Exactly how gay is Behind the Candelabra?

Hollywood is terrified of homosexuals. Sure, they may occasionally throw a few awards at films with a gay protagonist but in general they like to keep them at arm's length in case they offend Middle America with their sequins, love of disco and skills with a YSL highlighter pen and cause them to stay away from cinemas and cost producers some precious cash. Unless of course the film in question features good looking young lesbians getting it on. That's just fine.

Brokeback Mountain was released in 2005 and was supposed to be a breakthrough film but here we are, in 2013, being unsurprised to read that one of the finest directors around couldn't get a $5 million budget to make a film with two massive stars because his film was "too gay" and they "didn't know how to sell it". Well, after a successful stint at Cannes, endless rave reviews, millions of viewers on HBO and a probably lucrative spell in British cinemas, it seems Liberace's gayness hasn't scared off everyone. But the question remains: how gay is Behind the Candelabra?

Now before we begin we need a key with which to rate various aspects of the movie:

1 - Chuck Norris
2 - Not gay at all
3 - Kinda gay but not really
4 - Dancing at G-A-Y to disco on a Saturday night
5 - Almost too gay to function 

This is definitely the classiest thing I've ever done.

Matching outfits
As the pimp in Superman famously said: "That's a bad outfit! Whooooo!!!" I'll be honest, the camp factor is pretty huge here but the most notable examples of couples dressing alike are straight couples like David and Victoria Beckham and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, and if we're continuing with the horrific stereotypes I'm choosing to believe that most gay couples are way too stylish to coordinate looks.This has more to do with Liberace's taste and less to do with his love of man meat.

Rating: 3

Matt Damon's hair
What a fabulous mane. Seriously, how can I watch Elysium this summer knowing that baldie Damon is capable of growing and maintaining those highlighted flicks? I'm amazed Farrah Fawcett didn't rise from the grave and bitch-slap Damon for not only stealing her look, but doing it better. Copying one of Charlie's Angels' do is pretty gay, but damn him for carrying it off. 

Rating: 4

Matt Damon's encrusted crotch
 ...

Rating: 4

Rob Lowe's face
A stunning construction? Yes. Overwhelming gay? Not particularly. Nor is that 'American newsreader circa 1984 hair'. Excuse his beauty...

Rating: 2

The costumes
Sequins! Capes! Feathers! Brocade! Pearls! Beads! Gold! Huge fucking collars! 

Rating: 5

Everything in this image
Growing facial hair that made you look like a porn star was quite the thing in the '70s but thanks to The Village People it'll forever be associated with butch gay bears. Yes, even on Sam Beckett.

Rating: 4

Two guys having sex
Avert your eyes, terrified Hollywood producers!

Rating: 5