14/02/2014

5 films you're "supposed" to watch on Valentine's Day that are actually shit

Ahh February 14th: the day people frantically run around looking for cheap roses and chocolates to give their spouses in the hope that they won't notice they don't do anything for them throughout the rest of the year. And how do these spouses get their sweet revenge for half-heartedly being gifted with such tat? By making them sit through crappy films as romantic as a smear test, or at least, I hope that's the reason. Look, we all know V Day was invented to make money for card companies, so if you're going to acknowledge it do yourself and your lover a favour and avoid the following films. Because they're awful.

Love, Actually
On the 10th anniversary of this saccharine crap it seemed like people finally started to accept that it's absolutely dreadful. Not only is it full of unfeasible scenes, it's also the reason we have a bunch of rom-coms that are high on star status and low on sense and plot. Only Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman comes out of this unscathed but even then it's a close call. I'm not exaggerating when I say you should dump your partner if they even suggest watching this. You can do better and the children will get over it. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's
Long before we Sex and the City gave us unreachable fantasies of floating through Manhattan in fabulous outfits we can't afford and shoes we can't walk in, there was Breakfast at Tiffany's. Givenchy dresses aside, this overrated rom-com focuses on vapid prostitute Holly Golightly and her blooming romance with Hannibal from The A-Team. It's not funny or romantic and the less said about the racist neighbour the better.

Pretty Woman
And speaking of overrated prostitutes... Julia Roberts received an Oscar-nomination for this. Let that sink in for a moment.

Sleepless in Seattle
I know you think you like this film, but you don't; you've been fooled. Meg Ryan was only tolerable in When Harry Met Sally but that's a masterpiece so it doesn't count and can someone please tell me why Tom Hanks is rocking the same haircut he had in Big? 

Titanic
Because nothing says "I love you" quite like letting your soul mate freeze to death because you can't be bothered to move your fat arse and share the door you're floating on. Sounds like a poem.

People, spare yourself these disasters and watch Groundhog Day, It Happened One Night or even something "modern' like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Not only are they superior films, but you have a better chance of getting some after watching Superman fight Evan from Superbad than a bad Nora Ephron movie. You're completely welcome.