Grace of Monaco

When it became clear last September that Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman were not going to take part in a Princess-themed battle for an Oscar, Kidman must've been feeling pretty good about herself. Sure, the constant delays and argy bargy between director and producer weren't particularly great signs but in the end the film and main performance could've made it a triumph. Alas, it isn't, and I'm picturing Naomi Watts chilling out on an Aussie beach, cocktail in hand, laughing her ass off at the acerbic reviews her BFF has received.

On the bright side the reviews are probably going to encourage people to see it; I certainly wasn't interested in seeing Grace of Monaco before I was keeling over with stomach pains because the reviews were so fucking hilarious. So many mediocre three star films float about that when true masterpieces - bad and good - come along you have to see it. So I promptly cancelled my important evening plans of watching Seinfeld episodes I've seen 400 times and went to a screening.

I truly wanted an out-and-out disaster but instead I just got a ludicrous, embarrassing and pointless film that made me feel sorry for everyone involved. Nicole Kidman's performance belongs on an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful, Tim Roth smokes in various places and does naff all else and the normally Teflon-like Parker Posey appears in darkened rooms randomly like a pantomime villain. It's all so sad. I couldn't even laugh at it.

This isn't even a film about Grace Kelly because there's so much focus on cig-sucking men with terrible French accents sitting around talking about taxes. This woman was a movie star who became a princess and had her life cut short by tragedy and this is the section you choose to focus on for a movie? It ends with a supposedly victorious Grace sauntering into a gala and wittering on about love which, according to her, is about rich people living in a tax-free haven. I felt my heart grow three sizes just listening to it.

Grace of Monaco is as rubs as you've heard and is destined to be watched alongside last year's Diana by people who hate themselves and love trash. But on the bright side the experience will probably bring Nicole and Naomi closer together so that's something, I guess.