15/02/2015

I went to the cinema to watch Fifty Shades of Grey and I have some questions

Fifty Shades of Grey has barely been in cinemas for a few days yet I've read approximately 23,980 articles about it and got to see (NSFW) gifs of Jamie Dornan's butt and bush before seeing it myself. It's bloody everywhere. And while some continue to go out of their way to say how terrible it is even though they haven't seen it, I thought it was fine. It's not as terrible as it should have been and it's not particularly fantastic either, but I've seen worse films this year (*cough* Jupiter Ascending *cough*) and it doesn't deserve the snobbery-laced kicking some people are give it. Still, everyone has their own opinions, and although I'll probably be defending this until the end of my days (Ghostbusters 2, meet your new friend), I have some questions and I demand answers. *Contains spoilers*

1) Why didn't Ana and Christian's relationship get time to breathe?

The first scene is her interviewing him for her college newspaper, and for some reason he foregoes the paperwork to snog her in a lift not long afterwards. There should've been a bit more time for the sexual tension to build-up so when he finally gets her against a wall it doesn't feel so hasty.
2) Why do all the women in Grey's company look like a cross between Jamie King and Margot Robbie?

They were weird silver suits, too. Like from the future.

3) Why didn't anyone tell Jamie Dornan when his accent slipped?

I know Christian had a tough childhood, but they didn't say anything about him living with his crackhead mum in Belfast.

4) Why does Ana have a flip phone?

No-one is so poor in 2015 that they still have a flip phone. I've seen tramps outside tube stations with iPhones.

5) What happened to Jose?

Apart from her nosey flatmate we never really meet any of Ana's pals except for Jose, who clearly fancies the pants off her and is desperately trying to navigate his way out of the friend zone. Unfortunately he chooses to do this when she's drunk off her tits and is quickly pushed out the way by Christian. We see Jose again so clearly the pair remain friends, but at no point does either of them address the awkwardness, which is just weird.

6) Why all the pop songs?

I would've loved to have heard Danny Elfman score this film instead of tolerating Ellie Goulding's raspy yodel.

7) What's wrong with being a virgin?

After whisking her away to his penthouse flat, Christian gets down to the business of bonking and starts questioning Ana about her sexual history. Well, she doesn't have any, and after a moment of bemusement he drags her away to his room a jolly good deflowering. Sure, losing your virginity to a billionaire in his posh flat is a bit better than the way most people do, but he almost seems disgusted by it. So disgusted he feels it is his duty to "rectify the situation". "I'm a situation?" she replies. Apparently, yes.

8) Why couldn't all the sex scenes be as good as the 'wine scene'?

While many try to convince you that Fifty Shades of Grey will leave you as dry as the Sahara, it does have odd moments of sexiness. Apart from the fact that he simply appears in Ana's flat (Seriously, how the fuck did he get in?) and we have to hear Beyonce singing over it, the scene in which he ties her up, covers her eyes with her sweaty sports bra, spits wine in her mouth and runs ice down her body is rather good. When he flipped her over and slapped her behind the women in the cinema (myself included) made a sound I cannot begin to describe.
9) Why couldn't he just be a kinky fuck?

This is more a question for EL James instead of Sam Taylor-Johnson, but I was bothered by his troubled childhood. I just didn't care for that and his sad piano playing. Nothing ruins a boner quite like someone going on about their past. But speaking of...

10) When do we get to meet Mrs Robinson?

The one interesting nugget in Christian's backstory is the woman who made him her sub when he was 15 and with whom he still maintains a relationship. I'm sure we'll see her in the inevitable sequel, but I wanted to hear more about that and less about his mum.

11) The negotiation scene was pretty good, right?

Now I know why it's been singled out in almost every review.

12) Why do we never see them going on a date?

In the negotiation scene Christian offers a weekly date in exchange for everything Ana is allowing which makes her very happy. But do we see them on a date? Nope. The drunk dialling and Christian's "smile" in the photoshoot provoked genuine giggles in the cinema and him trying to be a normal date may have created more humour. The film is two hours long with barely any plot so I have no idea why that didn't happen.

13) Why is Christian always wearing jeans in the red room?

Dicks in movies is a problem for some reason, and while I never expected to see Dornan's D, him wandering around in jeans was just weird. It's especially odd when Dakota Johnson showed everything and this is supposed to be a film for horny women. When oh when will our needs be met?
14) Is peacock feather tickling really as far as they could go?

I will never forgive Universal for watering the sex down so much. At least until Fast and Furious 7 comes out.

15) Can we see Patrick Marber's version somewhere?

Sam Taylor-Johnson and Kelly Marcel have gamely polished this turd, but I still wonder what could have been. What if EL James didn't serve as producer? What if it was a NC-17? What if Taylor-Johnson was allowed to make the film she wanted to? Most importantly, I'm extremely keen to read Patrick Marber's take, mainly because he would've done Dornan a favour and removed all the terrible dialogue he's saddled with.

16) That ending though...

Yeah, that's not a question, but it has to be mentioned. Many hated it but I loved it, mainly because the studio are so certain of success they don't even need to try. The whole scene with him hurting her and she rejecting him was a reminder that the rest of the film desperately needed drama and indeed a plot. Still, I kinda liked it.