Your Turn Heather...

I'm On Holiday

2012-02-15T00:00:00.002Z

Talk amongst yourselves.

BlogalongaBond: A View to a Kill (1985)

2012-02-14T00:00:00.010Z

It's been a long old slog but we've finally reached the end of Roger Moore's ridiculous reign as Bond. Amazingly after watching him do absolutely nothing in Octopussy he was brought back to play Bond despite being a few years shy of receiving a Freedom Pass. I mean honestly, how did this even happen? Apparently Moore himself was horrified to learn that his female co-star's mother was younger than him and later remarked that A View to a Kill was his least favourite outing as 007 as he "was only about four hundred years too old for the part." Still, it'd be nice to blame ole Moore once again for the numerous failings but that's too easy; simply put, A View to a Kill is just a bit pants. A shame considering how well it starts. No, I'm not talking about the opening sequence in which he flees an ambush in a submarine disguised as an iceberg, I'm talking about the gloriously trashy 80s opening titles with Duran Duran's underrated theme song.

I enjoy a belting Bond ballad from a egomaniacal songstress as much as the next person but after the sleep-inducing abominations of recent years, the Bond theme song cannon really needed some effeminate, model-banging, back-combing, part-time alcoholics to inject some life into Moore's boooooring films. Apparently John Taylor drunkenly staggered over to Cubby Brocoli at a party and asked when he was going to get someone decent to do a theme song and thank goodness he did. Because although the lyrics make absolutely no fucking sense ("First crystal tears, fallen snowflakes on your body. First time in years, to drench your skin of lover's rosey stain." - Does he mean her period?), it's a staunch bit of tunage only made better by neon nails/lips/eyes and fur lined snow coats. Hurray for 80s trash!

Sadly the same can't be said of their handling of Grace Jones who jumps off the Eiffel Tower and into a pool of nothingness before lamely switching allegiance and laughing like a loon before killing herself for the greater good. Having an albino Christopher Walken team up with the woman Lady Gaga wishes she was should've been gold - GOLD! - but her screen time is quickly replaced by some blonde bird with less personality than a bowl of lukewarm organic oatmeal. Still, at least she struts her shit in some custom Azzedine Alaia (a WAY important designer) threads before a spot of thong kick-boxing, which is just as disturbing as it sounds. As usual there's a whole lot of needless bollocks which should've landed on the cutting room floor but it has to be said that Max Zorin is probably the most modern Bond villain for some time. Gone are the white cats, stupid scars and even stupider accents and in it's place is a suited-and-booted, trigger-happy madman who left his Clairol dye in a bit too long. Moore later complained about the character and his shooty ways but complaining about violence is what grandads do...

And if you noticed that one of May Day's assistant's looks familiar, that's because she starred in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Oh yeah, she's also in this:

Will that ever get old? A View to a Kill isn't awful (compared to others) but there's only so much boredom that can be covered by magnificent stunts and Grace Jones' magnificent arse. Farewell, Mr Moore, it's been...rubbish.

Next Month: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOON!

R.I.P

2012-02-12T13:28:00.000Z

Whitney Houston

1963 - 2012

The Woman In Black

2012-02-09T00:00:00.014Z

Look, we all know the significance of Daniel Radcliffe's first post-Potter lead role and despite his limited acting prowess, it's highly unlikely that he'll become another Lindsay Lohan-like child actor whose career goes to hell the moment he hits puberty and leaves the comforting bosom of a franchise that's made him richer than Richie Rich - he's too awesome for that. Still, The Woman In Black isn't exactly the most riveting film to breakout with since all he has to do is pretend to be scared and the father of a kid who looks about 5 years younger than him. Yup, DanRad not only plays a proper grown up (WITH FACIAL HAIR AND EVERYTHING!) but we're suppose to buy him as a lawyer, a father and a grieving widower. Oh dear, the casting agent got about excited, didn't he/she?

I haven't read the 1983 novel (*notices complete absence of gasps*) or seen the long-running theatre show so I can't deduce whether a big screen adaptation was even warranted, but it is nice to have a horror film rely on spooky scares instead of people ripping their own lungs out. However, the repetitive scares get boring very quickly so maybe he should've spent less time chasing suspicious sounds and more time talking about his unadulterated love of 70s pubic hair? Just a thought.

The Muppets

2012-02-08T00:00:00.006Z

Every year there are a few films that cause such knicker-wetting hysteria that it seems like no-one is allowed to voice a different opinion without being tagged as a difficult contrarian and/or an arsehole, and none more so than with the first Muppet movie in 12 years. Over the past few months Twitter has gone Muppet-mental by going on and on about the film, demanding they host the Oscars and even asking Miss Piggy for a kiss at the UK press conference. Yep, actual professional journalists asked a pink, felt pig with a man's hand up her arse if they could kiss her. This country really is going to the dogs.

So, with that in mind, I really don't mean to ruin everyone's fun but it must be known that The Muppets is not THE GREATEST FILM EVER!!!!! (SINCE THE ARTIST). What we have here is a perfectly fine celebration of all things Muppet written by Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller with music by the hairier of the Flight of the Conchords guys and nothing more. The plot is simple: Walter is the world's biggest Muppet fan and tags along with his human brother Gary (Segel), and his frustrated girlfriend, Mary (Amy Adams, seemingly straight out of the maternity ward. Not a crack about her weight, more an observation that she looks like a new mother, i.e. knackered.) to Hollywood to visit the Muppet museum. Upon finding out that the eponymous museum is a dump that's due to be shut down thanks to an evil oil tycoon, Walter decides to reunite the gang for one last show and save the theatre. And yes, it is as simple as it sounds, but what makes The Muppets entertaining and mostly successful is it's tight, self-deprecating script and the fact that everyone involved is clearly up for it. Even Chris Cooper, whose solo number had my jaw scraping the filthy floor at the Empire Leicester Square.

What makes it fall short of being an out-and-out classic is its insistence on including every song Bret MacKenzie wrote even if it had no business making the final cut, a plethora of celeb cameos who are only there so they can say they've been in a Muppet movie and tirelessly self-referential moments that would've been more subtle if "The Muppets are so great! Why did they leave us?!" was flashed across the screen throughout its slightly long running time. Oh, and one last thing, a Cars 2 poster makes its way on camera more than a few times. Bravo, Disney.

Those really are small niggles in the long run because it is consistently funny and highly enjoyable film that would've benefited greatly from someone who isn't a Muppets fan trimming that fat around the edges. But if you have to choose between this and Cars 2, it really is no contest.

For Those Of Us Who Weren't Invited To Last Night's "Sneak Peek"...

2012-02-07T08:41:00.000Z

The presence of Denis Leary makes this unwanted re-boot approximately 700% better.

Sigh.

2012-02-06T18:25:00.000Z

Young Adult

2012-02-02T00:00:00.000Z

Amongst all the talk of who wuz robbed of a Oscar nomination there were a few misguided rumblings about Charlize Theron not getting the recognition she (apparently) deserved for playing what is her most monstrous character since Aileen Wuornos. Don't get me wrong, she's quite good at playing one of the most unsympathetic movie characters in recent history but as she's such an unlikeable bitch, the rest of the film proves useless and somewhat meaningless because it has nothing to say.

Mavis Gary is a divorced novelist who lives off booze and junk food and watches Kourtney and Kim Take New York by choice. Things go out of whack when she discovers her high school sweetheart has just had a baby and is living a quietly content life with his missus while she battles writers block and jumps from man to man. Since Gary is basically Regina George 20 years after Mean Girls if she hadn't learned her lesson and been hit by that bus, she goes back home to regain her old love instead of sorting her life out.

I may not love the finished product as much as others, but I can't disagree with the fact that screenwriter Diablo Cody has honed in her wise-ass style of writing just enough to keep the bite while adding some deliciously dark nuances that are undoubtedly the highlight of her second collaboration with Jason Reitman. It's just all so sad and devoid of enough laughs (don't be fooled by the poster or trailer - this is downbeat) I couldn't bring myself to give a shit about what happened to anyone apart from the now-crippled high school loner who, like Gary, is also dealing with his teenage past. She's just such a sad and pathetic protagonist; I barely laughed and by the end, I felt completely cold and detached from what I just saw. A shame, but at least the film did provoke this ~~personal attack~~ gem of a quote from Theron:

"I'm pretty amazed by Hello Kitty. I see so many women in their 30s walking around in Hello Kitty shit and nobody is concerned for them. It's the one iconic teenage symbol that seems okay for women in their 30s? The world seems to not have an issue with it."

She better watch her back when in Japan or around 26-year old bloggers who proudly keep a stuffed Hello Kitty toy at the foot of their bed. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HELLO KITTY!

*cradles toy, rocks back and forth in corner*

Bombay Beach

2012-02-01T00:00:00.001Z

Bombay Beach is a desolate wasteland in southern California occupied by just over 300 people who use golf carts to get around. In the 1950s it was billed as a new Palm Springs-style holiday resort that attracted the likes of Frank Sinatra, but now it's more famous for its wacky locals and meth labs - a legend which should change after watching this intriguing and original documentary from award-winning Israeli photographer and video artist, Alma Har'el.

Since only normal people occupy densely-populated cities, Bombay Beach is filled with quirky (translation: weirdos you wouldn't sit next to on the bus) folks and Har'el chose three protagonists whose personal stories are different yet somehow say the same thing about the broken concept of the American dream. What stands out is the way Har'el utilises her interest in dance and music by creating dreamy vignettes that absolutely shouldn't work but do. Documentaries like this only work if you give a shit about the people featured and while old man Red may have some funny lines, it's Benny (a boy from a troubled but loving family who takes more pills than Demi Moore - too soon?) and CeeJay (who escaped from gangland LA so he could live to become an athlete) who provide the most entertainment. Har'el captures undeniably sweet moments - Benny playing with an abandoned fire truck, CeeJay making a glitter-covered gift for his new gal pal - with care and subtlety while the accompanying Bob Dylan covers by Beirut are seamless rather than shoehorned in.

There's been a lot of chat and hype about Bombay Beach but unlike so many recent releases, it actually deserves it.

Here's Another Lazy Rehash Review From LFF.

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000Z

I'm not writing it again.

When it's not inspiring impossible drinking games (try saying the title four times after a few shots), Martha Marcy May Marlene is getting a considerable amount of festival hype and slightly premature but totally valid Oscar buzz. Martha (Elizabeth Olsen) has just escaped from the clutches of dangerous cult prettied up as a loving family and is trying to get back to normal living with her sister and her husband in one of those impossibly huge and modern houses you see on Grand Designs but never think actually exists. From the opening scenes M4 (as I'm choosing to call it) is drenched in atmosphere and an uncomfortable feeling associated with impending doom.

It deftly cuts back and forth between the present and her time with the group and demonstrates why she's acting like such a weirdo. Much like in last year's Winter's Bone, John Hawkes is quietly terrifying as the leader and is almost certain for another Oscar nod but this film really belongs to Olsen. The beginning of her career was understandably met with cynicism since she's the younger sister of child stars/actresses/fashion designers/daylight robbers Mary-Kate and Ashley but Lizzie (as I'm choosing to call her) may be the real deal. Apart from her ambiguous and genuinely affecting lead performance, she's also up for a bit of nudity (unlike her sisters) which according to certain men's magazines makes her a much better person.

So yeah, it's good.

Adverts: Honda Knows How To Do Them

2012-01-30T17:13:00.000Z

Drive Time

2012-01-30T11:02:00.000Z

In case you haven't noticed the ostentatious adverts currently cluttering up several websites, Drive is released on DVD and Blu-ray today and to celebrate, I will be taking part in the cleverly named 'Drive Time' in which all those who bought/pre-ordered the best film of 2011 will start watching it at 8pm and tweet their commentary along with the hashtag, #drivetime.

If you've bought yourself a copy ~~or don't mind illegally downloading it~~ do join in on the fun. I'll be going on about the soundtrack and the jacket, as you do.

The Descendants

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000Z

Short Review: It's good.

Full Review: Click here.

BlogalongaBond Week: Octopussy (1983)

2012-01-20T00:00:00.009Z

Just as Roger Moore was about to get out of playing James Bond, silly Sean Connery had to return and rock the boat by agreeing to star in an unofficial Bond outing, Never Say Never Again. James Brolin and Timothy Dalton were just a few of the names batted around by producers but once it was clear that cranky old Connery's return was scheduled to be released the same year as Octopussy, it was decided that an established actor would be better for the franchise and Moore collected a massive cheque to do even less than usual.

Clowns, the circus, fancy eggs, lesbian islands and that bloke from Beverly Hills Cop all add up to make one messy and convuluted Bond film that's not sure what the hell it's doing. By now you'd think they'd know the formula well enough to pretty it up every few years with new locations, new Bond girls and new baddies with elaborate plans to destroy something or other, but no. We go from dead clowns to dirty Cubans via a small plane hidden by a horse's backside to a jewellery smuggler, warheads and an Alfa Romeo, all as the audience (i.e. Me) wonders what the hell is going on. There's also a tennis player and that dead bird from TMWTGG.

It's not awful by any means, but just as you start to appreciate the fact that it isn't Moonraker, this (at 4.25) happens:

Good grief. They just didn't want Moore to do well, did they? Octopussy may be the most infamous and memorable Bond title but it's neither good nor awful enough to stand out among the other instalments. Next!

Next Month: A View To A Kill

BlogalongaBond Week: For Your Eyes Only (1981)

2012-01-19T00:00:00.009Z

Stop me if you've heard this before, but For Your Eyes Only was intended to once again strip back the foolery and take Bond back to his Ian Fleming-ly roots, yet Roger Moore is still trudging along and everything was stripped back so far there's no fun left. The only thing worse than being ridiculous is being boring and FYEO is boooooooooooorrrrriiiiiiinnnnnng. I should've known things would be wobbly as everything OHMSS achieved was promptly shat on and dumped down a chimney or whatever the hell Bond drops Blofeld in. Not concluding the story was bad, but to finally address it in the laziest way imaginable is incredibly disappointing, but at least it marks the exact moment Dr. Evil became more menacing than Blofeld. It's terrible, and it just got worse...

What the hell is this tepid nonsense? Sheena Easton may be the first singer to make it into the opening credits but if I were her I wouldn't want anyone knowing I played a part in this. I can't believe we could've been gifted with the sight of Debbie Harry in all her back-combed, leopard-printed glory and they chose this instead. In fact, the score itself was ruined by some distractingly dance and funk moments that stick out like a sore thumb. I know it was the 80s but you don't retain the John Barry sound while trying to jazz it up like a crap DJ. Yes, I'm talking to you, Bill Conti.

Unfortunately I really have nothing else to say about FYEO because not much else happened: some long-haired chick loses her parents, a girl gets run over, there's an annoying figure skater and loads of set pieces. Great. But really, as I watched this all I think about was how old Roger Moore looks. He looks younger now then he did in FYEO. I'm not ageist and he's clearly a very handsome man at any age, but it's embarrassing for us and him to see every scene in which he does more than sit down cut to a young stuntman with a head of jet black hair pretending to be Bond while Moore presumably sat in his trailer watching Countdown. OLD MAN IS OLD. The only thing Moore should be blamed for is taking a heap of cash for a very easy job, and let's be honest, we'd all do it. If anyone is at fault for yet another Bondian failure it's the producers, who attempted to re-boot Bond but pussied out of bringing in a new face.

Tomorrow: Octopussy

BlogalongaBond Week: The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

2012-01-18T00:00:00.004Z

After the surprisingly good OHMSS I'm afraid we're back in Moore territory with this loose adaptation of the novel of the same name. This was intended to follow You Only Live Twice with a 42-year old Moore replacing Connery but because war broke out in Cambodia it was postponed and the producers decided to capitalise on the 1973 energy crisis instead, with several references shoe-horned in for a bit of social commentary amongst the dippy agents and midget butlers.

It's obvious that martial arts became popular during pre-production as the action was changed from Jamaica to the Far East and there are plenty of implausible fight sequences in which Moore beats up men young and limber enough to be his grandchildren. Where TMWTGG excels is with Christopher Lee as the ludicrously named villain, Scaramanga, who was intended to be just as sophisticated and skilled as Bond while also treating women with less respect than a doormat.

Scaramanga's dead-eyed and fed up sex slave, Maud Adams (Andrea Anders), is bad enough but at least she shows a hint of an interesting character that our esteemed leader has already brilliantly dissected himself. Where it gets genuinely offensive is when Bond throws his useless sidekick Agent Goodnight (Britt Eckland) in a wardrobe just as he's about to get into her knickers and proceeds to shag Adams while she tries to get comfortable among his Saville Row suits. Instead of losing her rag for being such a bastard she eventually gives it up to him as well. I'm amazed feminists didn't storm the premiere.

Despite all that, Lee and Moore have a genuine chemistry and their brief relationship actually feels well-thought out, but since the people who control this franchise are their own worst enemy, they just couldn't resist cocking it up with some terrible attempts at comedy. Sheriff J.W. Pepper (Clifton James) was bad enough in Live and Let Die but they just had to bring him back and ruin an amazing car stunt with his fat lip and annoying voice. For why?

Don't even get me started on that fucking whistle. Despite its many problems and the fact that I nodded off and missed Bond meet a lady named 'Chew Mi', TMWTGG is still a much ~~better~~ more entertaining film than Moore's other efforts.

Tomorrow: For Your Eyes Only

BlogalongaBond Week: On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

2012-01-17T00:01:00.008Z

It's almost an entire year since the evil, cat-stroking bastard named The Incredible Suit decided to dream up BlogalongaBond and convince far too many people that watching a Bond film every month for 22 months was a great idea. 12 months in and all those involved have witnessed the many ups and terrifying lows of the Bond franchise, and as much as I've tried to keep up, a few months managed to fly by without me wasting a Saturday afternoon watching Roger Moore make an idiot of himself. So because of that, this week I'll be watching and reviewing the films I've missed: On Her Majesty's Secret Service, The Man With The Golden Gun and For Your Eyes Only, along with this month's instalment, Octopussy. Yup, I'm regretting it already. FYI, if you follow me on Twitter you might as well get used to reading stuff like this.

If you cast your mind back to the glorious time known as June 2011, you'll remember that Sean Connery quit being Bond after You Only Live Twice and left the door wide open for a new face. Producers Albert R. Broccoli and Harry Saltzman claimed to want to reboot the series and make a more realistic film that actually resembled the source material and from the opening scenes, it's clear why they chose Aussie model George Lazenby. He got the coveted role after impressing the powers at be with his stellar dramatic work in a Fry's Chocolate Cream advert (??) but unwittingly set himself up for a lifetime of ridicule. He has the height and looks we associate with Bond and at some points he actually looks like Connery (something Lazenby did on purpose, even as going as far as to wear his uncollected suit and get his hair cut by the same barber), but while he looks the part he certainly doesn't have the charisma of any of the other Bonds (Moore included) and a tree trunk could've probably delivered his lines with more authenticity.

As Lazenby's name is only ever used as a punchline, it's easy for those who haven't seen OHMSS to assume that it's pantaloons but guess what, it's actually quite good. While I've never found Blofeld as a particular interesting or menacing baddie, screenwriter Richard Maibaum gave Bond a reason to hate him with a shockingly sombre final scene which leaves his bride dead and the audience agog.

From the opening scene in which she tries to commit suicide in the most glamorous way imaginable, Contessa Teresa "Tracy" di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg) is the best and most complex Bond girl since, well, ever. Trying to convince an audience - who's seen nothing but flagrant womanising in the previous five films - that Bond is actually capable of loving someone other than himself and sustaining a healthy relationship was never going to be easy, but their courtship is both believable and sweet, and the romantic montage with Louis Armstrong crooning in the background is a standout scene for all the right reasons. It also helps that costume designer Marjory Cornelius put Rigg in an array of magnificent outfits that made my eyes lubricate with joy, unlike Lazenby who borrowed his shirt from Jerry Seinfeld.

OHMSS has benefited from the gift of hindsight as there's not that many things worse than double-taking pigeons and invisible cars, but unfortunately Lazenby is still distractingly pants.

Tomorrow: The Man With The Golden Gun

Elizabeth Taylor Comments On The Rumour That Lindsay Lohan Will Play Her In A Biopic From Beyond The Graaaaaaave....

2012-01-12T00:00:00.001Z

This Is What I'll Look Like If You Don't See Shame

2012-01-11T00:00:00.000Z

Is that what you want on your conscience? DO YOU?!

Shame is released nationwide on Friday and you can ready my (very) full review from LFF here.

Haywire

2012-01-10T00:00:00.007Z

Steven Soderbergh is a curious beast; a hugely talented director who continues to attract stellar casts and tackle new subjects but with very little point or depth behind it. Take 2009's The Girlfriend Experience; it's tagged as an experimental film but after watching it I, and everyone else, wondered what the hell the experiment was. Was it just an exercise in futility to see if a well-known porn star could actually act and command the same screen presence when not being penetrated in every orifice? Probably, but no one cared since the end result was boring as hell. Haywire, however, is a totally different thing seeing as it's Soderbergh does action, and even if MMA fighter Gina Carano is a rubbish actress it doesn't matter if her considerable skills as a fighter look awesome on screen. Which they do.

The plot is so simple it doesn't even deserve mentioning: a black ops soldier is betrayed and goes on a one-woman rampage kicking ass and taking names. It's basically some excellent and bone-crunching fight sequences tied together with some talking that's neither interesting nor particularly necessary. Ms Carano isn't bad by any means and in some ways her monotone delivery and huskier-than-Kathleen-Turner voice fits as this is a character who prefers to roundhouse people in the face than have a chat over a mug of peppermint tea. And good grief, the fights are something. Much like an epic stunt performed by an actual human being instead of someone in front of a green screen there's something exciting about knowing that what you're watching actually happened, and since Carano did all her own fighting it gives it that little bit extra. Ignore the fact that seeing a woman get thrown onto desk and punched clean in the face by the likes of Channing Tatum and Michael Fassbender is mildly uncomfortable because we all know she'll be wearing their ball sacks as a hat in no time. But not before she finds herself in this rather appealing position:

Even when on the verge of death Fassbender still has time to get his head between some lady-legs. God bless him.

To see how Haywire stacks up against Soderbergh's other movies, check out the online streaming service from LOVEFiLM and judge for yourself.

Five Movie Star Perfume Ads That Need To Die In A Horrible Fire

2012-01-09T00:00:00.001Z

How many times have you been quietly sitting through an obligatory ad break and found yourself enraged by a Hollywood starlet talking nonsense and wearing an outfit worth more than your mortgage while trying to sell you an overpriced fragrance probably derived from old elephant piss? If you're anything like me, that answer would be EVERY DAMN DAY, so allow me to give you a guided tour through some of the more offensive movie star-endorsed perfume ads of recent years.

Nicole Kidman for Chanel - No. 5

Not even the mega-hot presence of Paulo from Lost can make this painfully indulgent 3-minute "film" from the glittery mind of Baz Luhrmann bearable. Nicole Kidman's ridiculous facial expressions and declarations of love for the medium of dance aside, the worst thing about this advert is that it cost $42 million dollars to make; $12 million of which went to Kidman. Fucking hell.

Keira Knightley for Chanel - Coco Mademoiselle

The only thing women find more irritating then Keira Knightley is Joss Stone, so bravo once again to the head honchos at Chanel for green lighting this vomit-inducing crapfest.

Charlize Theron for Dior - J'Adore (2010)

So I'm supposed to fork out upwards of £50 just because Charlize Theron took her kit off, destroyed a perfectly good necklace and spoke with a stupid French accent? D'you know what I can get in Hennes for £50?

Scarlett Johansson for Dolce & Gabbana - The One

D&G only hired Scarlett Johansson for her (supposed) resemblance to Marilyn Monroe and after a few years of bleeding that notion dry they obviously have no intention of letting up. Sure she looks pretty, but it's hard to appreciate a fine eyeliner flick like that when she's smugly nattering on about love and shit. You're not looking for love, you're looking for the enormous cheque they wrote out to you for starring in this tosh.

Charlize Theron for Dior - J'Adore (2011)

Talk about saving the worst for last. Taking everything that was awful about the previous year's ad and multiplying it, Dior had the damn audacity to use three dead Hollywood icons (Marlene Dietrich is in the long version) to hawk their overpriced scent. But that's fine, right? I mean, Grace Kelly and Marilyn Monroe are no longer with us it's totally OK for corporate arseholes to use their image and legacy to promote something they probably would've steered clear of. We all know Marilyn was a loyal Chanel customer, Dior people! Why didn't you throw Givenchy fan Audrey Hepburn in for good measure? And why does Charlize look so angry? She's walking right towards us with the epic angry face of a woman who hasn't consumed fried food in years. Then again, she does prefer apples.

And here's one I actually like:

See? I'm not totally impossible to please.

Clean Up On Aisle 4

2012-01-06T13:45:00.001Z

R.I.P

2012-01-02T00:00:00.001Z

The Jaws ride at Universal Studios, Florida

1991 - 2012

12 Films To Look Forward To In 2012

2012-01-01T00:00:00.000Z

12) Bill Cunningham New York

Release Date: March 9th 2012

Bill Cunningham is the man responsible for the origins of street style photography and chronicling New York fashion trends in the Times's Style section with his columns "On the Street" and "Evening Hours". The fact that no-one knows anything about him makes this documentary a must-see for anyone interested in one of fashion's most prolific and respected photographers.

11) Skyfall

Release Date: October 26th 2012

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when director Sam Mendes refuted claims that Bond's 23rd adventure would contain little or no action so now it's officially OK to get a bit amped about it. The plot centres on Bond having to question his loyalty to M or something but the most important fact here is that Daniel Craig will once again parade around in his knickers.

10) The Five-Year Engagement

Release Date: April 27th 2012

Among the plethora of painful rom-coms churned out every year there's always one decent offering and the latest creation from the Judd Apatow factory already betters everything else thanks to its likeble leads and geuinely funny trailer. And honestly, who doesn't want Emily Blunt and Jason Segel to live happily ever after?

9) Haywire
Release Date: January 18th 2012

Steven Soderbergh ventures into the action genre via the surprisingly hot "Face of Women's MMA", Gina Carano, and although it doesn't feature a dead Gwyneth Paltrow, Michael Fassbender is in it which makes everything A-OK.

8) Brave

Release Date: August 17th 2012

Any film from Pixar is cause for excitement but their first foray into fairy-tale territory makes it even more anticipated. Said to be more mature and darker than their previous award hoggers, it's set in the Scottish highlands and actually stars a few genuine Scottish people (Kelly McDonald, Billy Connolly, Craig Ferguson) which means there should be no heinous ear-melting accents to sit through.

7) The Bourne Legacy

Release Date: August 17th 2012

Like the flawless trilogy before it, The Bourne Legacy has nowt to do with Robert Ludlum's novel series and since it doesn't (as far as we know) feature Bourne himself, we'll have to wait and see whether this is actually a decent thriller worthy of the Bourne name or just a desperate attempt to revive the money-spinning franchise.

6) The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (3D)

Release Date: March 28th 2012

Aardman Animation. Nuff said.

5) Prometheus

Release Date: June 1st 2012

Two things bother me about this trailer:

1) The Inception horn. Shame on you Marc Streitenfeld, shame on you.

2) Michael Fassbender's bleach blonde mop.

Apart from that it's boss.

4) Gangster Squad

Release Date: November 9th 2012

PHWOAR!!!!!!!!!!

Sean Penn, Emma Stone and Josh Brolin also star.

3) Rock of Ages

Release Date: June 15th 2012

Since the Footloose remake had to ruin everyone's fun by actually being quite good, it's up to this big screen adaptation of the Broadway smash to pick up where Burlesque left off. It's set in the 80s, features more weaves than the Bronner Bros. hair show, has a soundtrack consisting of every awful rock anthem of the decade and stars Tom Cruise and Alec Baldwin. Sold.

P.S. What the hell has Catherine Zeta-Jones done to her face?

2) Django Unchained

Release Date: December 26th 2012

After tackling the Holocaust in his own unique way, Tarantino turns his attention to slavery in a story of revenge. Every aspect of its production so far has been documented proving that Tarantino is still a draw despite constant accusations that his best work is far behind him. The leaked script featured plenty of nudity, rape and violence but I'm sure he'll find a way to get some toe shots in.

1) The Dark Knight Rises

Release Date: July 20th 2012

You know why.

Here's My Top Ten of 2011 List. Yawn.

2011-12-31T00:00:00.017Z

10) Animal Kingdom
Release Date: February 25th 2011

While most may have stumped for Snowtown in the battle of the Australian serial killers, Animal Kingdom totes did it for me thanks to it's squeaky bum time conclusion and horrible mum who sadly lost an Oscar to Melissa Leo and her shameless (and slightly impressive) 'For Your Consideration' ad. Although she did swear as she collected her gold statue so I'm willing to forgive her.

9) The Artist
Release Date: December 30th 2011

You love happy kitty.

8) Heartbeats
Release Date: May 27th 2011

Take a group of East End hipsters and make them shit out a ton of vintage clothes on three French people and you basically end up with the stupendously pretty (and minimal) cast of Xavier Dolan's Heartbeats. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Most were annoyed and bored by the constant music cues and longing looks, but I love that shit and it's the sole reason for my obsession with this.

7) 50/50
Release Date: November 25th 2011

Though it may have featured Seth Rogen being a bit too Seth Rogen for my liking, Will Reiser's own struggle with cancer at 27 years old gave this comedy-drama a realistic feel amid all the filthy gags and nights on the prowl and successfully achieves what most dramadies can only dream of - a tearjearker with actual belly laughs. JGL balances out the Rogen factor with ease but plaudits must go to Ms Angelica Houston who stole it as his worrisome mother. She's still a giant, btw.

6) Footloose
Release Date: October 14th 2011

If I have to sit through a load of lazy rehashes of classic 80s films, then please God, let them all be like this. Somehow managing to update the ridiculous original while paying homage to it is easier then it sounds and Craig Brewer's 113 minute fun-fest deserves recognition. Dare I say it, it actually may be better then the original. *runs and hides*

5) X-Men: First Class
Release Date: June 1st 2011

*ignores dodgy CGI, Fassbender's recurring Irish accent, January Jones being the most wooden diamond in history, messy storytelling and Beast resembling a blue Honey Monster*

LOVED IT!

4) The King's Speech
Release Date: January 7th 2011

HE HAS A VOICE!!!!!!!!!! And I'm more than willing to listen to it even though it ROBBED The Social Network of every major award this year. I'm not bitter.

3) Blue Valentine
Release Date: January 14th 2011

Derek Cianfrance's romantic drama first garnered press attention for its SHAMEFUL and DISGUSTING cunnilingus scene that received the NC-17 rating (aka the kiss of death) Stateside but this deserves attention for a lot more than that. Williams and Gosling both give heartbreaking performances as a couple in a crumbling marriage and although that satin jacket started trends-a-plenty, let's not forget the plethora of animal sweatshirts that successfully diverted attention away from Gosling's faux-receding hairline.

2) Bridesmaids
Release Date: June 24th 2011

The world reacted with shock in June when it was revealed that women were capable of being quite funny, and the result is this consistently ROLF-worthy comedy that contains ace performances all round. It may have turned Kristen Wiig into a proper actress soon to be seen alongside the likes of Sean Penn and New Year's Eve's Robert De Niro but I'm choosing to highlight Rose Byrne as the standout actress for subtly stealing it.

1) Drive
Release Date: September 23rd 2011

The jacket, the soundtrack, the actor and neo-noir style all added up to make a very atmospheric and moody film that turned Baby Goose into a superstar and launched a million tumblr blogs. Drive had me at the amazingly stylish opening credits and kept me to such an extent that I paid - PAID! - actual money to watch it again, and we all know that that's the ultimately seal of approval from a person who's paid to watch films for free. Nicolas Winding Refn - I salute ye.

War Horse

2011-12-25T00:00:00.002Z

Allow me to cut to the chase: watching War Horse is like having Steven Spielberg come to your house in a car made of Liquorice Allsorts and dumping Homer Simpson's sugar mountain on your head as John Williams conducts an orchestra to play a number from an album entitled 'If You Don't Cry During This You're Dead Inside And Probably Rape Horses In Your Spare Time'.

IT'S SACCHARINE IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

But don't let that put you off; if The Secret of the Unicorn was the result of a drunken night of passion between Indiana Jones and Hergé, then War Horse carries the spirit of E.T. who's almost definitely dead by now. Personally I'm not a fan of E.T. (send your death threats to the listed email address) but once we get out of the unbelievably long story set up and Williams lets the string section have a tea break it all goes more than swimmingly. Yes, everyone seems to feel this wonderful aura from the horse who has no wings, horn or stars tattooed on his butt cheek but the scenes of war and some gorgeous shots in particular show why Señor Spielbergo (I like The Simpsons, alright?!) was so keen to make it. It's very eager to evoke some emotion from the audience but if you can get past that it's worth a watch.

Have A Very Sexy Christmas

2011-12-20T00:00:00.002Z

Image courtesy of @Giruaro who definitely doesn't have enough work to do.

P.S. I'm off on holiday so won't be posting much (You: "What's new?") but do me a favour and watch Die Hard on Christmas Day. Doctor Who can fuck right off.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

2011-12-19T00:00:00.011Z

Despite the constant naysayers trying to convince Cruise-enthusiasts such as myself that he's a loony munchkin who keeps his android alien "daughter" locked beside his trophy wife in a cage under his solid-gold mansion, the anticipation for this fourth instalment in the Mission: Impossible series has been palpable. Why? Because we haven't had a proper action film all year and no matter what people think of his personal life, Tom Cruise is still a magnetic, likeable and thoroughly awesome screen presence. And luckily, no-one believes that more than the man himself which is proven the minute "A TOM CRUISE PRODUCTION PRODUCED BY TOM CRUISE STARRING TOM CRUISE" flashes across the screen in some gaudily awful font.

The series has had its ups (M:I, M:I3) and downs (vomit-inducing Woo-fest M:I2) and by all accounts the punctuation greedy M:I-GP is smacked somewhere in the middle as it's a generally fun romp with one spectacular set piece lumbered by a disappointing third act Paula Patton's bra strap can't carry. It all feels very pieced together; the threat of nuclear war, a boring foreign baddie, a plot twist and sexy locations make it very pleasing to the eye but once those eyes exit the cinema and the squishy bit behind starts thinking it all falls apart. Everyone only has themselves to blame since the most exciting and vertigo-inducing scene in the film takes place in the middle and everything after that (sans Patton's massive post-preggo boobs) feels a bit meh. The Burj Khalifa stunt in Dubai is utterly spectacular and it makes it even better that Cruise - THE FUCKING MENTAL - did it all himself. And you can tell he really enjoyed it too.

It's genuinely worth the admission price alone (especially on an IMAX screen) and is much more enticing than the poster of Simon Pegg playing Alec Baldwin in a particular difficult game of Words With Friends.

Oh yeah, he's having a jolly good think, which is the exact opposite of what you should do when watching this.

The Dark Knight Rises Is Now The Second Most Exciting Release Of 2012

2011-12-14T16:01:00.000Z

"Just going on this footage, Rock of Ages looks like it's possibly going to be the most embarrassing film ever released.

- Holy Moly!

Yes, and I can't wait.

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

2011-12-09T00:00:00.009Z

I don't know about you, but frankly, I'm sick of hearing James Cameron, Martin Scorsese, Mark Kermode and other middle aged men go on and on about 3D and what it means for the future of cinema. So thank heavens for writers Josh Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (Jewish much?) who ignored all this yawn-inducing chatter and spent their precious time justifying the "new" technology by conjuring up a story containing various ways poke people's eyes out with a 3D penis. Take that, James "I'm definitely starting to look like an old lesbian" Cameron.

It's three years since Harold & Kumar's (Apparently pronounced ku-MAR not KOO-mar as I've been saying. Let's just go with Kevin.) last adventure and things have certainly changed; the inter-racial chums are now estranged and while ~~Kumar~~ Kevin is still high as a motherfucker and spending his days watching TV and living is squalor, Harold has a successful career on Wall Street and married to a frisky Latina determined to have him "fuck a baby into" her. The two are brought together by a mysterious package delivered to the wrong address and sooner than later Kevin is fucking things up - namely the real Christmas tree his father-in-law grew for eight years. Did I mention that his father-in-law is Danny Trejo? And he hates Koreans because they murdered his mother? AND HE WEARS CHRISTMAS JUMPERS?!

That's basically the plot but of course this film has nothing to do with plot and everything to do with cock jokes, painfully self-aware gags and a baby getting completely fucked on weed, coke and ecstasy. And if you - like me - finds that sort of thing hilarious, then this is the best Christmas film for years. There really is no choice between this and the other new releases (vomit vomit vomit) so please do yourself a favour and pay to see an inspired claymation hallucination scene (complete with more cocks) and NGH stealing the entire film by playing up to his real-life persona in the most hilarious way imaginable. It may not be smart, but it is quite funny.

Tom Kaun Is Wasting His Money

2011-12-07T11:23:00.000Z

Via First Post:

“Tom Kaun? I don’t know who he is or what he does. We were told to come here by 1pm today and wait for a foreign VIP to come out of the airport gate and scream and shout when he came. None of us know who Tom is. There was a buffet lunch also for us and we were paid Rs 150 for this job today. We do this for television shows and other such events where crowds are required,” said one of the junior artistes at the airport, who was hired as an excited Tom fan.

I would've done it for free.

...

2011-12-06T00:00:00.000Z

I don't know what this is, where it came from, or how Brendan Fraser paid the bills before George of the Jungle but I felt the need to share it with you. You're welcome?

Here's Something Tenuously Linked To Christmas Which Is Allowed Because It's December: A John Hughes Movie Marathon

2011-12-05T00:00:00.048Z

Pat Sharp < John Hughes

There are many things to look forward to at Christmas time; overeating, family time, TV specials, alcohol at breakfast and laughing at jokes in crackers and feeling no shame about it to name but a few. But the best bit for me is parking in front of the telly with a stack of DVDs and/or a TiVo full of full of films that you haven't had time to catch up on during the rest of year, so luckily, I've been asked to contribute to a blog and share my top choices for a movie-themed duvet day. Just pretend to care and this'll be over before you know it.

There was a collective sad face around the globe on August 6th, 2009 when news of John Hughes' fatal heart attack spread. Even though he'd all but disappeared from the public eye by the mid-90s (but continued to write and produce under a pseudonym), his death reminded everyone that his legacy is far more important than just being part of 80s zeitgeist along with legwarmers, braces and massive mobile phones. Yes, I'm a fan, and here are my three John Hughes choices that'd make a perfect duvet day.

Pretty In Pink (1986)

Pretty In Pink is one of the many painfully John Hughes-esque films he didn't actually direct (see also: Home Alone, Flubber, National Lampoon's Vacation and Some Kind Of Wonderful, which is basically the same film) and although producing and directing duties when to two other people, it's clearly all about The Hughes. All his favourite themes are painfully evident: bullying, fitting in, parental issues, teenage love, cliques and people wearing magnificent - MAGNIFICENT - outfits, and although this isn't the best example of comedy (aka Annie Potts) seamlessly meshing with drama, who cares when you have all this:

Jon Cryer's dance.
The Psychedelic Furs' theme song.
James Spader looking fucking awesome.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

Five teens from different crowds spending an afternoon in a library doesn't sound very appetising on paper, but that simple premise teamed with ace performances (HELLO PAUL GLEASON), a tight script and Simple Minds make this a bonafide classic and probably/maybe/definitely Hughes' greatest work. Tapping into the cliquey nature of an American high school, Hughes managed to make some whiny kids not come across as complete arseholes by not talking down to them or belittling their issues the way I just did. I discovered this long before I became a teenager and even now as I approach my *cough*ties, it gets me right in the spot where I'll soon die after officially becoming my mother. Here's some other bits that are quite good:

Post-discussion dance.
YES.
Final shot air-punch.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Because "The Man" is a big ole killjoy, nowadays popular areas are scouted by community coppers to curb kids from bunking off and even parents can be charged for not reprimanding their sprogs, so if Ferris Bueller tried to have his great day in London circa 2011, his ass would be rotting in Feltham prison. Not that realism is the point of this deeeeeelightful film in which a smart arse - but likeable - kid bunks off school and drags his unstable mate and smoking hot GF with him for a day of driving a fast car, seeing priceless art and pretending to be Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago. Apart from Cameron's freak out (NOT THE CAR!!!!) this is Hughes' only real out-and-out teen comedy and there's a reason why the very talented Matthew Broderick can't live it down. It's amazing, and here's some other amazing stuff:

Ferris sees your dance scene and raises you A WHOLE FUCKING PARADE.
"You wear too much eye make-up. My sister wears too much, people think she's a whore."
Nike brought out some official Ferris Dunks. I want.

Honourable Mention: Cough

For more info on the Most Wanted blog, visit vouchercodes.co.uk/most-wanted.

I Am Contractually Obliged To Plug This Event

2011-12-02T00:00:00.000Z

Be there or have something ~~better~~ else to do. Ditto for this one, too.

Happy Feet Two

2011-12-01T00:00:00.002Z

Happy Feet may pre-date Glee by about three years, but the success of that show has undoubtedly raised the bar for encouraging all professional singers (and Gwyneth Paltrow) to go all karaoke on our asses. Of course the original was more about dancing, being proud of who you are and all that other bollocks only spouted in films aimed at kiddies but this one practically admits to having no story and resting the weight of its 117 minutes on the shoulders of some shrimp-like crustaceans whose name means something quite different on da streetz.

I could go on and on about how Mumble and Gloria (P!nk replacing Brittany Murphy) now have their own fluffy sprog with confidence issues and he travels with friends and discovers stuff and learns to dance and everything's great, but no-one cares about that as the stars of this snow (typo, and it stays) are Will the Krill and Bill the Krill (Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, respectively). At the beginning, we have no idea why Erik's tale is interspersed with a krill out for adventure and his world-weary pal who tags along because he's clearly in love with him, and it's no clearer at the end. I'm not joking; in one scene Bill tries to convince Will to stay with the others and pleads with him while proclaiming that they can start a family together. Subtle it is not.

Even though their (completely gay) sub-plot makes little sense and only exists because there's only so far a story about tap-dancing penguins can go, I didn't complain as the rousing renditions of 'Under Pressure' and lovely animation was enough to keep me and the two million kids in Empire Leicester Square entertained on a Sunday morning. Now, when do we get a Bill and Will spin-off?

I LOLed

2011-11-30T15:41:00.000Z

R.I.P

2011-11-28T12:32:00.000Z

Ken Russell

1927 - 2011

Things That Exist: The Twilight Dildo

2011-11-22T15:25:00.000Z

[Self-promotional link to an article I wrote for another website that I want you to read because ~~I can't be bothered~~ I'm too busy to post something this week]

BlogalongaBond: Moonraker (1979)

2011-11-18T00:00:00.015Z

The end credits of The Spy Who Loved Me said "James Bond will return in For Your Eyes Only" but unfortunately for us, Bond had bigger fish to fry. SPACE FISHES. In a series of many lows Moonraker aimed to go where no man had gone before but ended up scraping the bottom of the barrel. For Your Eyes Only was supposed to be the next instalment but the producers pushed Ian Flemming's 1955 novel ahead thanks to Star Wars and the general increased interest in the science-fiction genre, but I don't know where in the novel it said Bond was supposed to fanny about in Venice atop an inflatable gondola and feature in a space laser fight that's camper than Russell Grant in a polka dot cummerbund riding a mechanical bull. Since I can't bring myself to logically review this with even an ounce of respect, here come the bullet points:

The Stunt(s)

Since the iconic Union Jack parachute rightfully made everyone squeee with delight, the producers knew that this opening sequence had to top it and while it may not have done that, it was pretty damn good. Bond is interrupted trying to get his hand up some bird's skirt on "Apollo Airways" by a some bloke and as they fight around the plane, they end up in the doorway and eventually, the sky. A team including skydiving champion B.J. Worth worked on the scene for weeks that took a total of 88 skydives (thanks Wikipedia!) to complete. Still, as impressive as it is, I can't quite stifle the giggles at one specific point...

The cable car sequence is also pretty cool.

The Theme

This theme song isn't exactly bad but much like most other things in the film, it feels rushed and lazy. Frank Sinatra and Kate Bush were both considered but Johnny Mathis was eventually offered the song even though I have no idea who he is. Before I go on and on about how they offered it to Ms Bassey after Mathis dropped out and how she doesn't even consider it her song, can we just talk about how amazing a Kate Bush/James Bond theme song would've been? I'm thinking mad eyes, a metal bikini and over-exuberant dancing. Sigh, one can dream.

The Name

DR. HOLLY GOODHEAD

Even Pussy Galore and Dr. Christmas Jones think that's a bit much.

The Line

The Switch

You may recall the introduction of a badass(?) henchman with all powerful gnashers that can apparently bite through everything. Mildly cool, right? Well, director Lewis Gilbert decided to let children decide how to portray a major character in his film and because of that, we ended up with this:

*vomits*

If that wasn't clear enough for you, Moonraker is crap, and not even in a "so bad it's so good" kinda way.

Next Month:

For Your Eyes Only

Snow White Vs Snow White

2011-11-17T00:00:00.001Z

Snow White and the Huntsman
Released: June 1st 2012

The Good: Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, lots of crows, Colleen Atwood costume design, action, adventure, the special effects from 'What's It Gonna Be?' and Charlize Theron's 'snotty bitch' accent.
The Bad: Are we supposed to believe that Kristen Stewart is more beautiful than Charlize Theron? Really?!

Mirror, Mirror

Release Date: March 16th 2012

The Good: *scratches head* *furrows brow* Erm, Lily Collins has nice eyebrows.

The Bad: *deep breath* Julia Roberts' jacked up accent, Armie Hammer playing a dog, the painfully broad comedy, the shitty dwarfs, Julia Roberts again.

I know which one I'd rather see.

Only 5 Weeks And 6 Days To Go!

2011-11-15T00:00:00.002Z

Yeah.

Snowtown

2011-11-14T00:00:00.019Z

As there's some sort of unwritten rule which permits Australia from producing more than one good film per year, everyone and their touchy-feely uncle (me included) has been arguing about whether or not this debut from Justin Kurzel is better than David Michôd's Animal Kingdom (another uncomfortable thriller based on real-life serial killings down under). As per usual you should ignore the journalistic laziness that's pitting the features against each other and enjoy each film for their own merits, although I use the term "enjoy" loosely since this is grimmer (more grim? Grimmier? *gives up*) than Victoria Beckham's facial expression, Bambi's mum getting shot and the massive queue outside your local job centre combined.

Between August 1992 and May 1999 eleven people were murdered and most of the remains were discovered in barrels of acid. Of the four people charged with the crimes, it was decided that John Justin Bunting was the ringleader which is no surprise since every syllable of that name wreaks of evil. A story such as this, which enthralled and disgusted the nation in equal measures, obviously needs to be handled correctly and it's a good thing that Kurzel is a far more assertive and confident director than his experience (or lack thereof) would have you believe. Much like Animal Kingdom, the psycho of the piece takes a vulnerable young man under his wing, but unlike the aforementioned this focuses much more on family, community and social depravity despite it's uncomfortable intensity. I watched this within the comfort of my own home and I still felt like crawling under the table and waiting for my mummy to come home. The backward community within which it is set is riddled with close-minded attitudes and Bunting (Daniel Henshall) takes his opportunity to appoint himself as the leader and assert a position of trust, so when he starts murdering dogs and removing toenails, everyone will turn a blind eye. He is without doubt the most terrifying thing to come out of Australia for a long long time....

While we're on the subject, when did it become OK to murder innocent dogs in films? After this and Tyrannosaur I'm going to suggest that we have less of that and more of this:

If that wasn't clear enough for you, Snowtown is all sorts of excellent, but a hard watch, and a hard one to shake. And yes, I do prefer Animal Kingdom. What of it?

I'm A Bit Busy At The Moment So Here Are Some Pictures Of Cats To Keep You Company

2011-11-11T15:15:00.000Z

Sweetie. Darling. No.

2011-11-10T00:00:00.002Z

Hasn't my childhood suffered enough?

The Rum Diary

2011-11-09T00:00:00.000Z

Hunter S. Thompson said in a late-nineties interview that his novel took over 30 years to get published because it was roundly rejected and judging by this movie adaptation, it's easy to see why. Johnny Depp plays Paul Kemp, an American journalist who moves to Puerto Rico to escape the Eisenhower administration and joins a fledgling English-language newspaper. Against his editor's wishes (Richard Jenkins, once again lowering his standards) he starts living a booze-fuelled existence that involves living in squalor and obsessing over a young beauty (Amber Heard) in a relationship with a businessman (Aaron Eckhart). I'd like to tell you there's more to this two-hour borefest but alas, there isn't.

The source material is heavily autobiographical but all the fierce outrage at American corruption taking place on the island is watered down and the ending is more of a whimper then a bang. It all looks very nice (which isn't hard to do since it was filmed on location) and Depp's heart is in the right place but the fact that it seems to be entirely devoid of a story, characters, drama or, you know, anything that makes a film a film cannot be ignored. Depp is roundly criticised for his insistence on playing quirky characters under the helm of Tim Burton but perhaps he's better off there because when presented with a character with subtle nuances and sans silly hats, he looks rather lost.

Yeah, just like that. Still, Amber Heard is very pretty and Eckhart's magnificent chin is always worth a look but apart from that there's no reason to sit through this.

A For Effort

2011-11-03T16:25:00.000Z

This would've been a lot better without the scary photoshopped hand, belly button and gut fuzz.

Tower Heist

2011-11-02T00:00:00.000Z

To celebrate the release of Brett Ratner's Tower Heist, here are the top 5 movies set in a tower block:

5) Die Hard

4) Attack The Block

3) Die Hard

2) Die Hard

1) Die Hard

I haven't seen it.

This Is The Last LFF Post. Promise.

2011-11-01T00:00:00.002Z

Since the seemingly never-ending London Film Festival has been keeping me from new film releases with its constant stream of anticipated dramas, weird foreign films and documentaries that aren't as good as they think they are, I'm quietly happy that it has come to an end. But before I can resume to my normal programming and yammer on about Grease and stay in my pyjamas until 4pm, we have to take a look at the closing film, The Deep Blue Sea.

The morning began oddly with a massive queue inside the Vue which unlike the Croydon cinema, isn't conveniently located next to a branch of Nandos (boo! hiss! etc!) and as usual, the critics reacted with OUTRAGE when we were told that it'd be starting 10 minutes late. No-one likes to be kept waiting but these people are paid to watch films and remain horribly unappreciative and indignant when free booze isn't provided and they have to wait a few minutes for it to start. Ergh, GET OVER YOURSELF.

Back to the film, this is an adaptation of the 1952 Terence Rattigan play The Deep Blue Sea which focuses on a well-off wife of a judge who engages in an affair with a fun but semi-alcoholic RAF pilot with working class issues. It bandies between timelines with her lovely but detached husband (his mother is a delight) and begins with her unsuccessful attempt to commit suicide. Slowly her reasons for that drastic decision become clear and Rachel Weisz is believably restrained while conveying confusion, pain and all-encompassing desire with one flash of those Bambi eyes. Similarly stage actor Simon Russell Beale and Tom Hiddleston are both very good but despite all the right elements - acting, direction, costuming - I found myself slightly detached and unsympathetic to the story. It was like catching a bit of Downton Abbey when walking past the telly and barely acknowledging its existence. One thing's for sure though, some scenes are accompanied by fucking loud violins and I swear this is literally all I could think of:

It's a solid three stars but definitely could've done with a shark or two.

And that's that, it's over. Sandra Hebron is gone and we can all get on with our lives and chat about crap posters, James Bond and movies in general. Yay.

The Horror...The Horror...

2011-10-31T13:25:00.000Z

Happy Hallowe'en. I guess.

Never Seen An American In Paris?

2011-10-28T00:00:00.017+01:00

Well do yourself a bloody favour and treat your senses to 113 minutes of unadulterated joy. You can catch The X-Factor online, you fucking loser.

Another Bloody LFF Round-Up: The Descendants & The Art Of Love

2011-10-26T00:00:00.001+01:00

The Descendants

Since the likes Michael Fassbender, John C. Reilly and Rachel Weisz decided to try and take over The London Clooney Carnival and have several films at the festival, the pressure was on Rosemary's nephew to make sure both his films were worthy of all the sexual favours paid to Sandra Hebron over the years and luckily for him, both The Ides Of March and The Descendants are good'uns.

Clooney gives lazy journalists ammunition to ask about his choice to not get married and have children by playing a married man with children in Alexander Payne's adaptation of Kaui Hart Hemmings' novel. He's a middle-aged loser in control of a profitable bit of land in Hawaii with a knack for dodgy shirts, limited knowledge about his own kids and the worst on-screen run I've ever seen. Tom Cruise he is not. After his wife's boating accident lands her in a coma, he's forced to re-connect with his kids while learning about himself and his wife. Sounds awful, right? It probably would be if it weren't Payne's film but since he's so good at dark humour, even the hugging and learning portions of the film include unexpected humour and moments of real joy. It also co-stars that guy from Scream. Y'know, this guy:

There's no greater reminder that we're all older then we were in 1996 then looking at the middle-aged faces of one of the stars. :( So yeah, it's good.

The Art Of Love

Since the French talking about love and sex for 90 minutes was a more exciting prospect then Roland Emmerich's new film which does not feature the end of the world, I attempted to look cultured by watching writer/director/actor Emmanuel Mouret's series of vignettes about love and all the little complications that arise from entertaining the emotion. Like a French version of Love, Actually or Valentine's Day that doesn't make you want to hang yourself with your own intestines, it tells the story of several couples (lovers, friends, partners, neighbours) and their various twisted tales and instead of forcing them all the interact, Mouret only links characters who'd plausibly be connected and leaves the stand alone characters in their own world. Similarly, no message about love conquering all is rammed down our throats and when the stories are told, they end. No hoopla, no big song and dance and no fucking montage. It also stars that hot guy from the Martin Scorsese Chanel ad. Y'know, this guy:

Phwoar, *wolf whistles*, etc.

LFF Round-Up: I'm Carolyn Parker, How To Re-Establish A Vodka Empire, A Dangerous Method

2011-10-25T14:36:00.000+01:00

I'm tired and you're tired, so let's just get through this.

I'm Carolyn Parker

Six years after the levee system in New Orleans failed and killed over 700 hundred people as it flooded 80% of the city, the survivors are still trying to piece their lives back together and re-build their homes amid the financial, environmental and social ramifications of the disaster, and in this uneven but very watchable documentary, Jonathan Demme charts the progress of who the locals refer to as Ms. Parker. Carolyn Parker is one of those old black women who moves slower than a Kardashian's thought process but still commands respect and fear from everyone she encounters. Clips of her speaking in front of the United States Congress about the lack of attention being paid to the 9th ward of the city are quite something and Demme was onto a winner the minute he found her. Her humour, strength and attitude is a wonder but what makes her so utterly likeable is that all she's interested in is having the house she lived in for decades. The interest wanes a bit but she keeps this going and I'm sure everyone who watches it will want her to be their grandma. Still, this poster is fucking hideous:

No. At least the mere mention of Hurricane Katrina means I have a reason to post this. Still funny and still true.

How To Re-Establish A Vodka Empire

A documentary about vodka was enough to lure me away from Terri but alas, it's another one of those uneven docs that has plagued the fest this year. Daniel Edelstyn discovered his grandmother's journals in his attic which set him off on a Who Do You Think You Are?-esque journey to discover his Ukrainian ancestry and re-create it with all of his family and friends who don't seem too interested in playing a part. Just as he's starting to get his fill of locals in furry hats commenting on his wife's good looks and accusing him of lying about not being able to speak the language, he decides to re-brand the vodka from the distillery his family once owned that quickly turns it into an episode of The Apprentice without Nick's amazing facial expressions. Shame. Weirdly the mesh of stories, styles and filming techniques sort of works and he only really lost me when he started including personal family moments. I understand that the business and the film drive him near bankruptcy and it's relevant enough to show it, but was it really necessary to show his wife screaming at him in her skivvies and throwing a phone at him? Did he really need to show her in labour to the world? The woman has a tiny person emerging from her vagina, have a bit of bloody decorum.

A Dangerous Method

WARNING: This film contains no naked knife fights in a men's sauna but does feature KK's nipple which amazingly isn't attached to an actual breast. It's also kind of boring. Kitty no like boring.

Yeah, this is going to be a regular thing.

BlogalongaBond: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

2011-10-20T00:00:00.013+01:00

My limited Bond knowledge leads me to believe that every film in the franchise experiences production problems but The Spy Who Loved Me was in hell the moment producer Harry Saltzman buggered off. Possible directors were bandied around and the producers approached Steven Spielberg and Guy Hamilton before settling with Lewis Gilbert who'd previously directed You Only Live Twice (1967), so one would assume he'd know what he was doing and not turn this instalment into an odd comedy caper. Perhaps I missed this in The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) but several scenes are marred with such silliness it felt like an Austin Powers film instead of an official Bond.

As per usual the plot doesn't actually affect the viewing experience because it's pretty much the same as all the others: man in unflattering grey suit with an underground lair kills people at the push of a button and plans to steal nuclear weapons to blah blah blah I don't care I've fallen asleep. What makes The Spy Who Loved Me, despite its frequent moments of foolery, quite fun is Roger Moore's nonchalant approach to the role (and magic eyebrow that can cue music), a genuinely good Bond girl with a dodgy accent and limited acting skills, and one of the most famous and popular henchmen of the series who likes the odd game of peekaboo.

The Spy Who Loved Me is one of the reasons I find the Bond series so frustrating because even when I'm rolling my eyes at a ludicrous sequence in which the man with the golden gnashers tears apart a van and the woman has trouble starting the engine (HAHAHAHAHA! Vaginas can't drive!), I'm secretly giggling at Moore's sarky comments. Bastard. Bond purists aren't too fond of Moore's interpretation of ~~the chauvinistic cuntbag~~ their beloved hero but let's be honest, Bond is a stupid character anyway. The whole point of him being sent on this mission is to uncover some stolen submarines but all I remember is him making various comments about big breasted ladies and getting his end away. That may be a problem for you but I'd like see Daniel Craig say "When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures" with a straight face when referring to a lady's love tunnel. That takes talent!

Away from Moore's erect ~~penis~~ eyebrow lies an interesting character who is never allowed to develop past anything other than Bond's recent play thing. Barbara Bach is an Irish/Austrian model from Jackson Heights so naturally she was a perfect choice to play a Russian spy, and as she's introduced in bed having her post-coital rest interrupted by the call of duty, she immediately becomes the female equivalent of Bond. The slight moments of mothergoosery are heightened by their rom-com style annoyance with each other but we all know it's only a matter of time before she ends up being rogered by Roger. One of the interesting sub-plots (Bond killed her lover in the opening chase) is kept simmering underneath but when the penny finally drops, there's not much attention paid and they just continue as if nothing happened basically wasting the only opportunity to have add some real depth. Oh well, at least it has a swimming car.

That may teeter out like a wet fart but at least its beginning takes place in a bizarrely scored but nonetheless entertaining ski chase in Austria that culminates with a lovely stunt in 20 seconds of silence before Carly Simon starts warbling. Simon's classic theme song may be brilliant enough for certain Bond-obsessed bloggers to dance to at their wedding but the rest of the score is bat-crap crazy. A mish mash of 70s funk, classical music and a bit of Maurice Jarre's theme from Lawrence of Arabia made little sense to me and if it weren't for silly John Barry's tax problems, he would've come in and given Marvin Hamlisch a bloody good slap.

The Spy Who Loved Me is good fun scuppered by an ending that takes forever to arrive, a wasted sub-plot and a regulation villain but in comparison to Moore's other contributions, it's a bloody masterpiece.

Next Month: Mooonraker. Bond in outer space...bloody hell.

LFF: The Artist

2011-10-19T00:00:00.038+01:00

This is what you'll look like after watching The Artist:

Contagion

2011-10-18T00:00:00.000+01:00

Gwyneth Paltrow dies. Immediate five stars.

LFF: Shame

2011-10-17T00:00:00.018+01:00

Three years ago I woke up at some ungodly hour on a Sunday morning for the sole purpose of attending the LFF press screening of Hunger, the debut film from Steve McQueen about the 1981 Irish hunger strike. Like most people I was blown away by the film in general and was particularly enamoured with a 17-minute shot that is still the longest shot in a mainstream film. The hype for Shame has also been unrelenting so understandably there was a queue for the press screening and an undeniable buzz in the room as well as in a few underpants. Thankfully, all the hype is richly deserved as Shame is a devastating depiction of compulsion and addiction lead by phenomenal performances and beautifully shot by McQueen.

Brandon (Fassbender) is a successful somethingorother (I can't remember if they actually said what he does) who leads an empty existence in a horribly sterile, emotionless home and regulation stylish clothes, but underneath all his wool coats and probably Egyptian cotton sheets lies an all-encompassing addiction to sex and everything that entails. He masturbates at work, obsessively indulges in internet porn and is not impartial to the odd hooker, but as the opening scenes dictate, he prefers the thrill of the chase followed by the inevitable success. Enhanced by a breathtaking score which muffles out the daily grind of New York City, he stares intently at a pretty girl on the subway like a hawk stalking its prey and is clearly not at all bothered by the presence of a wedding ring on her finger. He follows her through the station and when he loses her, returns to the platform with all the dejected body language of a footballer who just missed a crucial penalty. It's all very gripping but if you think this is just about one man's insatiable need to get his leg over, you're very wrong.

I'm as responsible as anyone for the attention Mr Fitbender has received for his looks but after watching "The Fassbender Cock Movie" I can honestly say that focusing on ~~what may or not be an above average-sized penis that'll destroy the pause button on my remote control~~ his nudity is hugely derivative and somewhat insulting to his performance. The arrival of his needy little sister Sissy (Mulligan - who also goes full frontal) throws up a whole new set of issues that both actors remarkably convey with apparently the slightest amount of effort. She's a singer and a free spirit who, like her brother, is very comfortable sleeping with strangers but longs for an emotional attachment as well, one that he won't (or can't) give her. How telling that the song playing when they first meet is 'I Want Your Love'. Their relationship is odd but intriguing, and the themes of a destructive childhood environment, abuse and even incest are hinted at but never explored.

The script allows the audience to make up their own mind and McQueen's decision to shoot several scenes from behind isn't exactly groundbreaking, but is effective nonetheless. Much like Brandon's late night spot of a couple fucking against a window, we're peering into his seedy world of casual sex only to find that what appears to be exciting on the outside is actually very empty and sad. Shame possibly wouldn't have been as devastating had it focused on a different addiction because we're used to that and you only have to walk down a street to see someone clearly suffering from their affliction no matter what it is. Sex addiction has never been taken seriously thanks to celebrities using it to justify their philandering and self-indulgent behaviour but Shame is such a punch in the gut it may finally legitimise the problem. I doubt that was McQueen's intention, but the mere sight of Fassbender somehow managing to convey devastation and ecstasy in a single facial expression during a particularly energetic threesome is a more effective demonstration of the power of addiction than anything I've ever seen on film.

Shame is beautiful and painful, sad and funny and a true indication of what cinema can do when one decides to tell a story that's brutal and true. It's magnificent, and has some fucking great posters:

Incredibly Lazy LFF Round-Up

2011-10-14T00:00:00.000+01:00

LFF started two days ago yet I'm already starting look like a rougher version of the image you see above, so you might as well get used to my "reviews" being even worse than usual. Hold tight chums, it's gonna be a long fortnight...

Here's my reaction to films I've seen recently:

This Must Be The Place: Entertaining but falls short of being as good as it thinks it is. Penn is great, obvs.

Dreams Of A Life: Carol Morley's quest to discover who Joyce Vincent was will probably destroy you and make you want to contact anyone you haven't chatted to for a few days. Truly upsetting and a great piece of work.

Dragonslayer: Cool skateboarding doc which is cut into eleven parts and focuses on the decidedly Californian lifestyle of one bloke in particular. HE LIKES WEED.

360: Pointless, tedious, aimless drivel that has no place in LFF let alone opening the fucking thing. I got up early for this!

The Kid With A Bike: Flawless drama about a kid with a bike (natch) coming to terms with being abandoned by his douchebag dad. Gripping and one of the best I've seen so far.

I'll try to actually review stuff properly but if I were you I wouldn't count on it.

Ever Wondered What Die Hard Would've Been Like Had It Starred Anna Nicole Smith?

2011-10-13T00:00:00.000+01:00

Must. Watch. Now.

It may be complete bobbins but according to Total Film, "Ms Smith gets her kit off". Thanks for that.

My Immediate Reaction To The Avengers Teaser/Trailer/Whatever

2011-10-12T16:24:00.000+01:00

YOU BASTARDS NEED TO LEAVE MAC OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!!

Sleeping Beauty

2011-10-12T00:00:00.000+01:00

Emily Browning gets her kit off. It's alright*.

*The film, not her naked body**.

**Pervert.

Footloose

2011-10-11T00:00:00.001+01:00

Even before the world's finances went to shit, the Tories took over and everyone signed up for the dole, it feels like we've been perpetually been re-living the 80s for quite some time. Music and fashion have long since been taking inspiration from the incorrectly tagged 'decade that style forgot' so it's no surprise that cinema has caught up. Fame, Clash of the Titans, The ~~Kung Fu~~ Karate Kid,, Nightmare on Elm Street and many others have already hit cinemas with varying results and there's plenty more to come including WarGames and Dirty Dancing. This has caused me a few 80s-loving bloggers to punch themselves in the ovaries but annoyingly, this modern take (*vomit*) on 1984's star-making Footloose is-sort-of-but-more-than-a-little-bit-good. I hate you, Hollywood.

After several setbacks (director Kenny Ortega and Zac Efron bolted and his replacement, Chace Crawford, did the same soon after) it looked like this was destined for disaster but writer/director Craig Brewer has managed to simultaneously pay homage to the original while successfully making it a totally harmless and enjoyable bit of fluff.

After the death of his mother, Ren McCormack (Kenny Wormald) moves his magnificent quiff and permanent "I just sucked a lemon" pout from Boston to Bomont, a town still reeling from a car crash which claimed the lives of four teens including the son of the Rev. Moore (Dennis Quaid). As he begins to rile the backwards, buck-toothed townsfolk with his city ways and smart mouth, he soon learns that not only is loud music and leather jackets frowned upon, they aren't allowed to dance either. So far, so familiar. In fact, very little has been changed from his stress-reliving solo in an abandoned warehouse to Ariel's (Julianne Hough) "rebellious" red leather cowboy boots and it's all the better for it. Instead of ignoring the original it blatantly acknowledges it with more nods than the Churchill dog.

*chortle*

It's obviously unnecessary but as far as remakes goes, this is the best one I've seen and any film that begins with a Kenny Loggins classic is fine by me. This guy clearly agrees:

I love you, Internet.

Iconic Film Characters Continue To Be Sullied In The Name Of Promotion

2011-10-07T00:00:00.001+01:00

And I just played right into their hands. Touché Sky Movies, touché.

R.I.P

2011-10-06T08:29:00.000+01:00

Steve Jobs

1955 - 2011

LFF: Martha Marcy May Marlene & Like Crazy

2011-10-06T00:00:00.011+01:00

Martha Marcy May Marlene

When it's not inspiring impossible drinking games (try saying the title four times after a few shots), Martha Marcy May Marlene is getting a considerable amount of festival hype and slightly premature but totally valid Oscar buzz. Martha (Elizabeth Olsen) has just escaped from the clutches of dangerous cult prettied up as a loving family and is trying to get back to normal living with her sister and her husband in one of those impossibly huge and modern houses you see on Grand Designs but never think actually exists. From the opening scenes M4 (as I'm choosing to call it) is drenched in atmosphere and an uncomfortable feeling associated with impending doom.

It deftly cuts back and forth between the present and her time with the group and demonstrates why she's acting like such a weirdo. Much like in last year's Winter's Bone, John Hawkes is quietly terrifying as the leader and is almost certain for another Oscar nod but this film really belongs to Olsen. The beginning of her career was understandably met with cynicism since she's the younger sister of child stars/actresses/fashion designers/daylight robbers Mary-Kate and Ashley but Lizzie (as I'm choosing to call her) may be the real deal. Apart from her ambiguous and genuinely affecting lead performance, she's also up for a bit of nudity (unlike her sisters) which according to certain men's magazines makes her a much better person.

So yeah, it's good.

Like Crazy

The beginning of Sundance-favourite Like Crazy was worryingly headed towards "QUIRKY TEENS HAVE A LOVE OF MUSIC USUALLY PREFERRED BY OLDER PEOPLE AND BEGIN A QUIRKY ROMANCE" territory last attempted by the awful Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist but thankfully, it becomes something different. British student falls for American teen while studying in LA and just as they're starting to enjoy Go-Kart races, walks on the beach and montages of their various sleeping positions (they're too quirky to drink and have awkward, uncomfortable and horribly disappointing teenage sex), her visa runs out and she decides to ignore it. Obviously she learns the hard way that you don't fuck with a country that checks afros for WMDs and she's denied access to the land of the free and Anton Yelchin's distractingly 90s goatee.

Bringing back memories of the decidedly average but scarily watchable TV drama NY-LON, they attempt to continue their relationship in the vain hope that some records of their relationship and a rushed marriage will grant her the visa she so desperately wants. Thing is, this part isn't that interesting, nor the ridiculously successful business he set up ten minutes after studying, or her desire to be a writer; it's the subtle moments of realism and relatable emotional honesty that keeps it going. They both start relationships on their side of the pond and somehow, I felt a yearning for them to be together while simultaneously feeling sympathy for their respective pieces being dragged through this drawn out mess. The moment he accidentally calls his GF his wife's name, when her boyfriend removes the chair her husband made for her soon after they met, the restrained public clash and the not-so-restrained row in her kitchen. It sidesteps the quirky bullshit and actually hints at heart-wrenching drama but writer-director Drake Doremus' inability to really go for it and add a Blue Valentine-like touch stops it from going from 'OK' to 'must-see brilliant'. I really enjoyed it though, and yes, a few drops of lacrimation may have been secreted.

Tyrannosaur

2011-10-05T10:41:00.000+01:00

You'll cry.

R.I.P

2011-09-30T00:00:00.000+01:00

My Samsung DVD player

1998 - 2011

FYI, my contribution to BlogalongaBond will continue once I find some pennies in my shoe fund for a new one. Be patient, Suit.

LFF: Bernie & Take Shelter

2011-09-29T00:00:00.000+01:00

You may have noticed that although the London Film Festival starts in a few weeks, press screenings started on Monday, so apologies to those stuck in an office while we watch a load of great films. As watching three films a day for a month is a bit too much for my puny brain to compute, I'm going to start reviewing things now in the vain hope of telling you about each film I watch during the city's biggest film fest. Here goes:

Bernie

I had big hopes for Bernie since I like Richard Linklater and I like Jack Black and I really like Matthew McConaughey, for some odd reason. Each time these respective people have collaborated it's been absolute gold from Dazed & Confused to School Of Rock, and I thought re-teaming with Linklater would give McConaughey something decent to do for the first time since he decided to ruin his career with crappy rom-com after crappy rom-com.

But I digress, Bernie is the true story of a stupidly nice gay man who unexpectedly snaps and murders a nasty old bint who chews her food too much. This may seem like an interesting story but it isn't really; it's a film that takes far too long to get going and doesn't have much of a point. Sure, it's fun to point and laugh at the backward ways of the townsfolk who live in the small Texas town, and there are some genuine LOLs, but I didn't see why they had to turn the story into a film. It's a solid but not spectacular film with entertaining turns from Black, McConaughey and Shirley MacLaine. Still, at least we got to see McConaughey's glamorous mother.

Take Shelter

Michael Shannon is brilliant at everything he does so fuck knows why this hasn't sold out, but if you get a chance, you should definitely see it. A small community is confused by a man slowly losing his grip on life thanks to apocalyptic apparitions and fears of his own mental illness in what has to be one of the most intriguing films I've seen in a long time. It starts quietly but Shannon's slow-burning performance mixed with strong support, deft direction and a very effective plinky-plonky score makes it one to watch for anyone bored with everything in the cinema these days. ALSO, you'll never guess which glamourpuss shows up...

And you thought Sandra Hebron's boots were the sexiest things at the fest.

My Belated Contribution To The Shiznit's Jurassic Park Week

2011-09-28T00:00:00.000+01:00

Oh come on, you can't tell me he doesn't look like a T-Rex when he runs.

FYI

2011-09-27T00:00:00.001+01:00

Yes.

Hellz yeah.

FUCK YEAH!

Oh dear.

Meh.

Even Batman can't keep a straight face.

Jurassic Park

2011-09-23T00:00:00.002+01:00

When I saw this in the cinema as an 7 or 8 year old I was so petrified my mother actually wrote to the BBFC complaining about its PG certificate. Hopefully another watch when it's re-released in cinemas today won't have such a traumatising effect on me.

Ultrasuede: In Search Of Halston

2011-09-22T00:00:00.002+01:00

This film is for those interested in fashion, American designers, 70s excess, Studio 54, Andy Warhol, gay men walking around with their penis hanging out and fans of the delightfully OTT Andre Leon Talley. Obviously, I quite enjoyed it.

Page One: Inside The New York Times

2011-09-21T00:00:00.002+01:00

Anyone who's wandered down 8th avenue in New York City would be hard-pressed not to notice the enormous skyscraper located between 40th and 41st street, emblazoned with 'The New York Times' across the main entrance. It's in this building where the Times, The Boston Globe and International Herald Tribune (thanks Wikipedia!) along with other newspapers are housed and somehow, director Andrew Rossi was granted UNPRECEDENTED ACCESS to the building and the people who create the third largest newspaper in America.

What follows is a mildly interesting look at the people behind the paper trying to remain relevant as everyone sells their soul to the interwebs, the importance of the print media and a valuable film for anyone interested in media, particularly journalists. Unfortunately, like a lot of documentaries, watching a group of men sit in a room chatting about what to include in tomorrow's edition is just as cinematic as one would expect and although I think this film will still be important in a decade, it isn't as riveting as some critics across the pond would have you believe. It's a conversation starter, and an important one at that, but all the interesting obstacles and discussions in the world won't stop this from ending up on More4 in a few months.

The Gosling Double Bill: Drive & Crazy, Stupid, Love

2011-09-19T00:00:00.004+01:00

In case you haven't noticed, in the last couple of months the world (aka the internet) has gone Ryan Gosling mad. We've seen him break up street fights, carry his dog through an airport and generally be the loveliest creature to walk the earth and the movie gods have smiled upon us by releasing his two latest film in the same week. Here's hoping cinemas hand out tissues at each screening. I'm sorry.

Drive

All year I've been waiting for a film to truly blow me away and it's finally arrived in the shape of Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive, in which Gosling stars as the unnamed stunt driver by day and getaway man by night. Within the first few minutes, with it's gloomy nighttime LA and synth-tastic 80s-esque soundtrack, I was utterly hooked, hanging on his very few words and wondering how the opening sequence would pan out. It has a strong cast including Carey Mulligan (pensive housewife), Bryan Cranston (limpy grease monkey), Oscar Isaac (slimey but somewhat pathetic ex-con), Christina Hendricks (busty chola-like gang totty) and Ron Perlman (Jewish pizza joint owner/large-headed gangster) but the film belongs to Gosling.

His lack of jibber-jabber and love of champagne satin jackets makes him completely menacing and at certain points I found myself, hand-over-mouth, cowering away from the screen because I had no idea what he was going to do. On the flipside his slightly awkward smile and touching, genuine scenes with Mulligan (including a lovely sun-kissed drive down LA River) don't feel out of place among the extremely violent and tense moments. Some may be irked by its overwhelming retro feel but it's perfect for vintage-y people like me and I can't wait to see it again. It's bloody bonkers, completely fucking brilliant and my film of the year so far.

Crazy, Stupid, Love

Pizza + Gosling = Exploding genitalia

Steve Carell plays a guy blah blah blah Julianne Moore is in it yadda yadda yadda Emma Stone is wonderful yeah yeah yeah whatever who cares THIS HAPPENS:

Crazy, Stupid, Love has a few serious problems but the parts that work are so great (shopping montage, penis in face scene, slo-mo, Dirty Dancing) it makes it OK. Any rom-com that makes me guffaw, has The Incredible Suit snorting with laughter and doesn't feature Kate Hudson obviously has its moments and is worth your time and money.

Now's Your Chance To See This On The Big Screen

2011-09-16T00:00:00.001+01:00

I Didn't Bother Writing A Post For Today As You're All Looking At Scarlett Johansson's Nipple/Arse

2011-09-15T00:00:00.000+01:00

As you were.

A Word Of Warning To LFF Volunteers

2011-09-14T00:00:00.000+01:00

"Sounds like Madonna was all smiles and compliments for Canada in general and TIFF in particular, when she visited the festival Monday to promote her new film, W.E., about famous divorcé, the Duchess of Windsor, Wallis Simpson.

One observer even heard her thank the festival's orange-shirted volunteers.

It was a bit of a different story backstage, however, when eight of those volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed."

Via: The Global Mail

And if you care about your life at all, don't give her hydrangeas.

Point Break Is Being Remade

2011-09-13T11:16:00.002+01:00

Yeah, I think that sums it up.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

2011-09-12T00:00:00.001+01:00

Espionage novelist John le Carré is basically the British John Grisham in that he spent a few years working for MI5 and MI6 and used that experience to make his name and fortune. As I'm an uncultured swine who prefers to re-read Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes rather than discover literary works of note, I've never cast my eye over the apparently dense plot of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Shame that, because maybe if I had I would've understood what the fuck was going on instead of looking like I was trying to divide 232 by 13. Not that my stupidity is a criticism of this otherwise perfect film because it is quite flawless. The acting, costume design, cinematography and direction is so good I feel quite comfortable about pulling out my favourite adjective. Mmmmm.....

Talk of its inability to appeal to the mass market - aka, it doesn't talk down to you and we all know audiences are stupid - is already rife but that may have something to do with the fact that we've become so used to spies killing assassins with towels and making endless references to female genitalia over a cocktail that a few well-dressed, middle-aged men in a room filled with cigarette smoke talking just doesn't cut it. That's not my problem with it however, I just felt like I was sitting an exam that required a lot of attention and I still failed. Even though I didn't neccessarily enjoy it and have no intention of watching it again, it is very good, so if you are able to divide 120 by 8 without the use of a calculator (true story) then you'll probably be fine.

Does Anyone Wanna Buy My Kidney?

2011-09-09T12:29:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I, along with the entire universe, wet our collective knickers over the prospect of wearing Marty McFly's famous Nike MAG trainers. Turns out only 1,500 have been made and will be auctioned off on eBay with the proceeds going to Michael J. Fox's foundation to cure Parkinson's disease, the degenerative disorder he was diagnosed with in 1991. However, for those of us who want a pair, there is just one problem...

The bid currently stands at over $4,000 but hey, at least the winners get free shipping. NO FAIR. I know it's for a good cause and everything but why does MJ want me to sell my organs and prostitute myself for a pair? Bastard.

Henry Thomas Is 40

2011-09-09T00:00:00.000+01:00

Congratulations, YOU'RE FUCKING OLD.

Great Scott! They're Coming Back!

2011-09-08T09:14:00.000+01:00

Now, where is my hoverboard?

Troll Hunter Is This Year's The Town

2011-09-07T00:00:00.002+01:00

And by that I mean, everyone is wetting their knickers over it while I sit down and do this:

I Went To Paris And All You Got Was This Shit

2011-09-06T00:00:00.000+01:00

Whoever rents Sex Friends is going to be so disappointed.

Checklist: Columbiana

2011-09-05T00:00:00.003+01:00

The writers of Taken and an underweight actress.
One sun-drenched free running scene ala Casino Royale.
A supposedly sexy scene involving said underweight actress in a catsuit like in Entrapment.
Angelina Jolie was too expensive but still include lots of guns and pouting.
Endless shots of actress in her pants, one involving a slow dance and suggestive sucking on a lollipop.
Famous shots from famous action films including Die Hard and The Bourne Supremacy.
A bland love interest.
A fat friend for "comic" relief.
An agent looking to help the wanted woman. Y'know, like in Thelma & Louise and Set It Off?
Have the quickly edited penultimate fight scene take place in a bathroom and have her fight her opponent off with a towel because the director has clearly seen The Bourne Ultimatum.
Steal the end from the aforementioned 90s flick Set It Off.

There, I just saved you 105 minutes and some cash.

Before They Were Famous: Michael Fassbender's Arse

2011-09-02T00:00:00.002+01:00

WARNING: This video may cause shortness of breath, a coronary and premature ejaculation.

Fright Night

2011-09-01T00:00:00.004+01:00

Fright Night is a remake of the 80s classic (apparently) with Colin Farrell replacing Chris Sarandon as a vampire causing some trouble in a small town, and while it may not deliver on genuine frights, my awful cackle could be heard from across the room so I guess it was pretty funny. It doesn't help that Anton Yelchin's plucky leading man is a bit bland and uninteresting, David Tennant's Russell Brand routine wears thin the minute his eye-rolling back story is introduced and the 3D will no doubt cause Mark Kermode to smash his head into a camera, but that's a few niggles with what is as much fun as some tits (I miss you Robbie). It jumps straight into the action, some would say a bit too fast, and Colin Farrell is clearly having some fun playing the menacing vamp. And yes, he appears shirtless at one point, ladies? It's silly, decidedly average and probably unnecessary but who the hell cares when Colin Farrell is running around feasting on necks? Not me.

One for the road:

I win at journalism.

BlogalongaBond: Live and Let Die (1973)

2011-08-31T00:00:00.011+01:00

Since the BlogalonaBond marathon is becoming a more tedious monthly exercise than the shedding of my uterine lining, I've got into the habit of leaving things til the last minute and August is no exception. My limited Bond knowledge begins with the Moore years and since I'm a sucker for an expressive eyebrow or two the next couple of months should be a hoot. So without further ado, here's painfully analysis-free look at Live and Let Die.

And Here Begins The "Bond Does..." Series

After Sir Sean Connery rightly turned down the chance to return and play Bond again the hunt was on to find a new star, and who better than honorary south Londoner and cardigan-enthusiast Roger Moore. Desperate to survive without Connery and wash the "failure" of HMSS (I haven't seen it) off, Bond stopped being Bond and took influence with what was hot at the time (see also: Moonraker - Bond does Star Wars, and Casino Royale - Bond does Bourne) and since the likes of Shaft was released just a few years earlier, blaxploitation was the order of the day. Now, I understand the Bond purists don't appreciate the change of pace and are missing ole' baldie Blofield but the blaxploitation element, complete with afro'd cliches, casual racism and flagrant uses of the word 'honky', was far more entertaining than some Hank Scorpio wannabe. Also, check out these beauties:

[Strutter is pursuing James Bond through Harlem]
Harold Strutter: Can't miss him. It's like following a cue ball.

Cab driver: You know where you're going?
James Bond: Uptown, I believe?
Cab driver: Uptown? You headed into Harlem, man!
James Bond: Well you just stay on the tail of that jukebox and there's an extra twenty in it for you.
Cab driver: Hey man, for twenty bucks I'd take you to a Ku Klux Klan cookout!

[Bond sees a possible weapon]
Black Man: [to Bond] Keep your hands up, honkey!

Where Have All The Good Bond Girls Gone?

It's ridiculous that only eight films in the producers have lost interest in casting actresses who possess a spark as well as beauty or creating characters who can do more than just let Bond take their knickers off but alas, Live and Let Die replaces the likes of Pussy Galore and Honey Rider with useless bikini-clad black women and naive virgins. Or well, at least Jane Seymour jaw-dropping gorgeousness stops her from being completely pants.

James Bond Has A Better Wardrobe Than You

Image lovingly stolen from Clothes On Film

Chesterfield coats, string vests, double denim...James Bond has never looked so unbelievably amazing. While Connery could wear a suit and a baby blue playsuit, Moore takes his legacy a step further with outfit after outfit. Swoon.

Paul McCartney Finally Does Something Decent*

*Locks doors

A change of pace meant a change of sound for LaLD and the throaty divas of yesteryear were thrown out in favour of Paul McCartney and his Wings. The title song is an odd one but at the same time completely brilliant. So brilliant in fact that it was probably the first Bond theme song that works out of context whether it be within the film it was written for or in a TV show like Life On Mars. Unfortunately its popularity and success led to covers by Guns N' Roses and, dear God, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. Be warned dear readers, clicking on that last link may cause you to rip your ears off.

Next Month

The Man With The Golden Gun; I haven't seen it.

I Can't Wait To See Puncture

2011-08-30T00:00:00.003+01:00

Based on a true story, Puncture is the perfect kind of courtroom drama that fools like me love. Chris Evans (who appears tattooed and shirtless: immediate five stars) plays a Mike Weiss, a young lawyer who doesn't play by the rules (just look at those suits) and happens to be a drug addict. After agreeing to handle a case in which a nurse was pricked with a contaminated needle it unravels to become a health care and pharmaceutical conspiracy that irks some old men in suits and puts their small law firm, and themselves, in danger. So basically, this is Erin Brockovich wrapped in a John Grisham short story that replaces Julia Roberts in short skirts with her tits hoisted up to her chin with Chris Evans WITH HIS SHIRT OFF. I am excite. And just when I thought I couldn't get more excite, this popped up:

Michael Biehn. MICHAEL BIEHN! The same Michael Beihn who made his uncredited debut in my favourite film of all time? The same Michael Beihn who popularized overcoats and terrified the ever loving shit out of Sarah Connor? The same Michael Beihn who taught Ripley how to use a gun taller than she is? Yes, that one. It's always so odd when an actor stars in a few classics and never fulfills their leading man potential and despite working solidly for decades, Biehn has never reached the heady heights he did with James Cameron. Either way, it'll be great to see him back on screen with or without that overcoat he ripped off an innocent hobo, but lets just hope he isn't stood next to the topless Evans because no-one (i.e. Me) will notice him.

Emma Stone Should Give Kevin Costner A Call

2011-08-26T00:00:00.000+01:00

A Warning To Anyone Planning On Getting Laser Eye Surgery

2011-08-25T00:00:00.000+01:00

Don't watch Final Destination 5.

SJP Has Trouble Letting Go

2011-08-24T00:00:00.001+01:00

*swoon*

When it was announced that the end of series six would be the end of Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker said they wanted to end the show on a high as no one wants to be the last person to leave a party. Fast forward seven years and two films later and she appears to have forgotten about this statement as SATC continues to be the franchise that just won't die. As well as confirming that Candace Bushnell's origin stories The Carrie Diaries will be turned into a TV show she also dropped a bomb in Parade Magazine and stating that despite SATC2 being one of the worst and most unknowingly offensive films known to man, SATC3 has a story that "should be told". Ergh.

“There is. I know what the story is. It’s a small story, but I think it should be told. The question is, what’s the right time to tell it?”

The question is, WHEN WILL THE TERROR END?! First things first, Sex and the City is brilliant. It's right up there with other HBO shows like The Wire and The Sopranos and doesn't get less funny or less entertaining with each watch. I should know, I've seen it hundreds of times. The first film isn't as bad as I remember and is a fun send off to the popular characters but the second was rightly slagged off to hell and back prompting Chris Noth to blame critics for the end of the franchise. Pfft, idiot. Some may argue that SATC is the only franchise for women but Bridesmaids proved that you can have a cast full of women without being targeted to that specific gender. No, Bridesmaids is a comedy full stop and despite the insistence that action films and comic book adaptations are for teenage boys, many women (including myself) love them. SATC2 was an unfortunate mistake and while the may be able to use the third instalment as an excuse to 'rights the wrongs' of the second, it'd be better if everyone just got on with their lives. So please SJP, stick to below par rom-coms and leave Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte alone. Or at least, have a crossover with the inevitable sequel to The Inbetweeners Movie just so we can have Jay and Samantha cross paths. It'll probably look something like this:

This Is One Way To Advertise A Movie Season

2011-08-22T00:00:00.000+01:00

One Day

2011-08-19T00:00:00.012+01:00

Like all films adapted from popular books, your enjoyment of One Day all depends on whether or not you weeped like a pathetic baby as you read Mike Nicholls' hugely successful novel. Unfortunately I'm firmly in the latter category (minus the weeping) which means I was never going to be able to watch Lone Scherfig's film objectively no matter how much I tried. In case you don't already know, One Day follows the lives of working class Yorkshire lass Emma Morley and spoilt richboy Dexter Mayhew on the same day over 20 years until they inevitably realise they belong together. On the page this format worked brilliantly as their lives unfolded and we're left hanging when things didn't go to plan (she didn't post the letter!) but on screen it seems and feels a bit rushed. Entire years are summed up in one shot (Emma likes to swim, we get it) and each day time is spent summing up what had happened over the last year so everyone is kept in the loop. It's nice to have a romantic film zip along instead of moving at a glacial pace but we're not given any time to connect with them and buy their relationship. They just assume people will and maybe those who haven't read the book will buy it, but I didn't.

Much has been said about Anne Hathaway's accent and yes, it is distracting. She goes from standard English to clipped to northern and it's hard not to wince at certain parts but I don't understand the need for people to ask why they didn't cast a British actress. Last time I checked nationality was not a deciding factor in the audition process and besides, I've lived in England my whole life and I couldn't do a convincing Yorkshire accent if I tried. The bigger issue here is why they decided to keep Emma's accent in the first place as she could've had any twang and it wouldn't have made a difference to her character. It's a shame everyone's focusing on that because otherwise Hathaway is lovely, charming and very much Emma despite moans that she's too pretty. Likewise Jim Sturgess makes a lovely, if at times trying, Dexter but the film is well and truly stolen by Rafe Spall as Emma's wannabe comedian boyfriend. Most of gags come from him and he's exactly what I'd imagine Ian to be like.

People will no doubt lining up to slag this off as yet another adaptation that didn't need to happen but that's harsh because One Day is miles above any other romantic film of recent years despite its glaring problems. You should still give the book a try though, it's quite good.

Try To Keep Up

2011-08-18T12:08:00.002+01:00

The Inbetweeners Movie*

2011-08-18T00:00:00.002+01:00

Jay says 'clunge' a lot. Neil does the robot. Will almost has sex. Simon is still using too much hair gel.

*I haven't seen it.

Empire Presents BIG SCREEN: Day Three

2011-08-16T13:17:00.000+01:00

Day three of Empire's geekathon begun in the best way possible, with free pastries that were so fresh they were still warm. Nothing beats a pain au chocolat bursting with warm chocolatey goodness. While still basking in the land of chocolate I realised that apparently I wasn't given a press pass to just sit around nabbing all the free food while bothering people who were actually trying to work with a constant stream of inane questions, so I headed down to IndigO2 for the Lionsgate showcase. Despite being billed as beginning at 11.15, we stumbled in a few minutes shy of that in the middle of some clips from Coriolanus, an adaptation of a Shakespearean tragedy I haven't read that looks like a film I'm not interested in. Gerard Butler had his top on, if that means anything. I was quickly beginning to lose faith in these bleedin' showcases until we stumbled into Disney's contribution. It started with the best reel I'd seen in ages and even Simba's stupid, boring face couldn't deter my excitement.

Luckily Andrew Stanton's big and moderately red face was able to remove the memory of Real Steel director Shawn Levy who was painfully American and wearing a tie that boggled my tiny mind. While the footage from Real Steel made me want to claw my own eyes out and convinced me I'm not interested in seeing it at all, the clips from John Carter were surprisingly good and now I'm quite up for it. And that's not just because it featured Taylor Kitsch with his top off. Next up was some clips from War Horse which is a book I haven't read that was turned into a show I haven't seen and is now a film I don't care about.

The clips were introduced by Steven Spielberg, a man apparently so legendary he's now able to radiate light from his face holes. Or maybe my camera is a bit shit, either one. Despite my ambivalence to the story I can see it's Spielberg doing what Spielberg does best and by the looks of things, everyone will be crying their eyes out when it's released next year. All that sitting down and watching of things meant a wander round the boulevard at all the random shit available. I didn't look properly on Friday so this time I saw a cat from Harry Potter,

a dog from Harry Potter,

and people dressing up as a troll hunter.

All of those things pale in comparison to the unbelievably exciting exhibition for The Help.

Wow, that must have taken a lot of time. The most anticipated event of the weekend was obviously the live satellite link-up with director James Bobin (ha! bobbing...) and Kermit The Frog.

I'm not even a particularly big fan of The Muppets and I was utterly enthralled with Kermit and a clip from the upcoming film, which was amazing. Of course, a few other muppets crashed the party including Fozzie,

Animal (he was gone by the time my camera was ready) and the newly bestowed Dame Piggy.

It was an amazing 30 minutes and well worth putting up with the annoying twat sat behind me. The evening had several things to do and despite being badgered into attending the premiere of Conan 3D, I instead opted to see a film I was actually interested in. I made the mistake of thinking the screening for The Help would be empty but it was bloody rammed. So rammed we had to queue for almost 40 minutes until the staff were sure there were enough seats spare and a good thing to, because The Help is one of the best films of the year. Touching, funny and at times heartbreaking it's the first film I've seen in a long time in which the entire cast are brilliant and I went from laughing to crying in a matter of moments. And of course, it goes without saying that the always magnificent Viola Davis deserves to finally get that gold statue.

And that was the end of my BIG SCREEN experience so I'll leave you with one last thing: Never buy a bag of pick 'n' mix from Cineworld. Trust me.

Thanks to James Warren and everyone at Romley Davies, the Empire Magazine posse and the people who provided me with the free chocolate based snacks.

Empire Presents BIG SCREEN: Day One

2011-08-14T00:00:00.002+01:00

Unfortunately for you I'm one of the many blogger/journalists/Londoners who've blagged their way into Empire's massively ambitious 3 day film convention, and that means you're going to be subjected to the same stuff being reported all over the internet except less funny, with less photoshoppery and two days later than everyone else. Oh well. Most people planned to get down to The O2 very early to pick up their passes, tickets and generally have a nosey around but I didn't get their til 1pm because I had better things to do.

By the time I finally got round to dragging myself there I was confronted by a rather terrifying and intimidating floor plan. Those bastards have taken over the whole bloody thing and I didn't know where to start.

It was quite clear that the best thing to do was just wander round and see what was going on and a few metres into 'Hollywood Boulevard' I was confronted by this:

I thought this was over? A quick walk from the boulevard lead to the press room which was much nicer than I expected what with its cream decor, high leather chairs, endless supply of liquids and things to nibble on (more on that later).

I bumped into some pals and wandered over to IndigoO2 which was the home of all the showcases. It's here where clips, trailers, video link ups, intros and Q&As happen, all presented by Empire's Chris Hewitt, who is now so relaxed in front of a crowd as well as a camera that his charming banter and gags was actually quite entertaining.

I think that's him. This showcase was presented by Universal Pictures and although the trailers for Tower Heist (Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller being Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller), The Change Up (yet another American comedy to use this track) and Johnny English 2 (why were people laughing? WHY?!) were seemingly a waste of time, most people seem to be excited about Immortals, a film I described as this. Oh, I am funny. There was an extended chat with the screenwriter and producer of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy hosted by Ian Nathan which I should've been excited about but I wasn't. The entire thing proved to me that I really hate watching random clips of a film out of context and it wasn't helpful that TTSS is such a dense story. I haven't read the book so I was confused to say the least. Enough of all this chatting, I wanted to see some geeky movie shit and there was plenty, beginning with this:

Balloons on a DeLorean? Bloody charities. There was also this photo opportunity with a robot from that Hugh Jackman robot film,

some cars from various Bond films,

and an utterly enthralling section dedicated to The Dark Knight Rises.

After recovering from all that excitement I sat in on some panels before refusing several drink offers and heading home, mainly because this is all I'd eaten in about 4 hours.

Tasty, but not one of my 5 a day. I chose to miss Saturday's shenanigans because I actually have a life but I'll be there all day on Sunday for showcases,The Muppets, The Help and hopefully a few finosides from Nandos. Until next time.

Who Is This Hottie?

2011-08-13T00:00:00.002+01:00

Answer here.

Yes, I know she's been photoshopped to hell and back and has more make up on her than the Kardashian sisters combined, but who cares when you look like a cross between Lindsay Lohan (the good years) and a young Liz Taylor? Not me.

Cowboys & Alienzzzzzzz

2011-08-09T00:00:00.000+01:00

You're welcome

There are some films that have everything going for it: great cast, idea, concept, director and everything that points directly at a sign that reads "THIS FILM IS GOING TO BE AWESOME" but yet, despite that, it still manages to go tits up. Cowboys & Aliens is an adaptation of Scott Mitchell Rosenberg's 2006 graphic novel and stars Daniel Craig (who replaced RDJ who dropped out for Sherlock 2: Men In Drag Boogaloo) and Harrison Ford as the aforementioned cowboys who find themselves fighting off an alien invasion. Is it me or have there been a lot of alien invasion movies recently? I thought Will Smith was legally obligated to star in every alien invasion movie ever made but apparently not.

Back to the film, it begins strongly with a dirty Jake Lonergan (Craig) waking up in a desert with a fancy bracelet attached to his wrist that he can't remove. He's approached by some filthier bastards looking to steal the clothes off his back and put a bullet in his head but before that happens, Lonergan Bournes out on those bitches and we're treated to an awesome, if albeit brief, fight that ends with him picking up a hat reminiscent of that Indiana Jones fella. Speaking of, after some brilliant hi-jinks involving Dano and Craig, we're introduced to Colonel Woodrow (Ford) who saved the dusty town and is now allowed to do whatever he damn well pleases but before he gets the chance to throw his weight around, a mysterious light appears in the sky and this western becomes a sci-fi.

Sounds awesome, right? Well it was, but unfortunately everything after that point is a bit lame. Craig has nowt to do apart from strut that ass and Ford, who starts off as a rather good anti-hero becomes the hero with no transition whatsoever. The magnificent Sam Rockwell may as well not even be there (SPOILER: He doesn't dance) and don't even get me started on Olivia Wilde and her stupid "character". Having said that, it all looks rather good and puts a nice spin of alien abduction with a great design but the aliens themselves look like a rip from District 9 and worst of all, it's boring. How can a film about cowboys fighting aliens be boring? It's barely two hours but feels about four and all the set up is promptly thrown away and it becomes a whole bunch of nothing. The thinly-written characters seemingly only exist for one reason and the final battle goes on for way too long.

SIGH, yet another film that starts well before diving off a cliff. Jon Favreau's 9 lives are running out...

Together, We Can Make This Happen

2011-08-08T00:00:00.000+01:00

I'm counting on all of you.